Bringing Out the Good in Past Sins
Today is the first anniversary of my joining this site. It truly has been of the most dramatic years of my life. I have changed how I look at this struggle, how I look at myself and how I act. I now know that I am not a monster or a terrible person, rather I am a normal healthy good Jew who got caught in something I did not know how to deal with. Maybe if I would have had the proper hadracha I would not be here, but there is another way to look at this. There is a concept in Chasidus that Hashem, in His Infinite Wisdom, causes all sins to happen, and we, those who sinned unwillingly - so to speak (this idea is very kabbalistic and Rav Dessler warns about not letting Kabbalistic teachings weaken our fear of sin), are supposed to use them as a vehicle to better ourselves. When we use them as a source of motivation to improve ourselves, in that area and in general, we have brought out the good in the sin, and the Divine Intention in causing us to sin is revealed. Now that sin is a source of merit for us, for it was an impetus in our growth, and we are better people.
With this thought in mind, I can say I have started to reveal the Divine Intention in my years of sinning. They were the groundwork for me to improve as a person and really learn about and live a life of kedusha. I have also had the chance to have a very minor part in spreading the message of this site, the hope, redemption and meaning that is possible. It is possible that my pain and sins where intended to enable me to help others avoid this path and make the world a holier place.
Thank you Guard and all the others, who have helped me till here and will help in the future.