90 Days; One Hour at a Time
"Loi-miyaeish" (a bachur) wrote in the forum:
BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.
My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone (that's where I had internet access from). At the beginning, I read a bit of the stuff there and decided that I just could not make it. But last summer vacation - in my desperation, I finally became a member of GYE. I used to read every chizuk email through and through. By Sukkos I had already reached almost sixty. But being back home brought back the old feelings and I really began to feel down. I fell worse than ever before, I began to mast. more often, etc.. When I returned to Israel, I tried again twice, but kept on falling. I eventually began to give up on the idea, and decided to just do 'one day at a time'. But with open internet on my phone, I was always very vulnerable to the Yetzer Hara. I tried going to therapy, but I didn't enjoy it too much (I hate psychology). It reached a point where I realized that I have to get rid of internet access, so I asked a friend to keep my phone for me. Letting go of my smart phone was not easy, it was terribly difficult, but in retrospect, it was the best move and the first stage of my recovery.
When I left GYE (for lack of internet access), a tzaddik from the GYE forum who calls himself "Silentbattle" kept in contact with me by phone. He was really wonderful and kept encouraging me. But I could just not part from my friend called 'lust'. I would listen to inappropriate phone chats and do everything besides for porn on the net. I was still badly addicted. For a period, I lost contact with Silentbattle. But in Iyar, I reconnected with him by phone. He convinced me to try and stop the other stuff I'd been doing, and I've been clean from that ever since. But from mast. I could just not stop. I fell again after fifteen days.
In Tammuz, I got a new push. I'd been in shidduchim for over half a year and nothing doing. Silentbattle told me that not long after completing ninety days he got engaged, so I decided that I'd give it a try too. Another important thing he told me was to fight off the Yetzer Hara - not one day at a time - but one hour at a time. Now the y"h didn't have very much to reply to that. One hour?, c'mon, that I could handle. Those 'one hours' turned into days and finally months. B"h, the second day of Rosh Hashana was day ninety. Isn't that amazing? And the same hour that I completed ninety days, I was celebrating another family simcha. The l'chaim was for a double simcha!
Yes, it took me over a year, but I think it was helpful for me to learn to stop things gradually and not in one fell swoop; it became a 'kinyan' and B"H my days today are almost entirely lust-free. B"H I've really been feeling happier.
So chevra, I am known on the forum as "loi-miyaeish" (never despair) and B"H I got to ninety. The lesson is: "Al tisyaeish" (never despair) guys!
I'm grateful to GYE forever for being there from the start of my journey. Good luck holy Jews, and may you all have a G'mar chasimah tovah for a year of only goodness and happiness in life.