Today we will address the first part of Yakov's post, where he discusses the initial stage of his recovery. After that, we will see how he took his recovery to the next level through a detailed process of "Teshuvah".
Each person is unique. And each person finds precisely what works for them. We do not all share the exact same struggle. Each person has different needs in avodas Hashem. Each person deals with recovery in a slightly different fashion. But what makes us a wonderful family is that we recognize the unique facets of each individual. We try to encourage and inspire, as it fits with the receiver. My inspiration for growth came from this site and all its holy people.
What we have built on this site and forum is a very unique social network. The amount of emotions and concern for one another on a daily basis is unmatched. This is our success. As I wrote in my ode, "when there is achdus, there is no yetzer hara". People can come here at all times of the day for chizuk. People can post their feelings without having to wait their turn. There is always a listening ear. There is always a concerned spirit. There is always comfort.
The real Teshuvah process only began for me about 5 weeks / 2 months into sobriety. I did not use the ideas of teshuvah to make me sober (and I don't believe that they should be). It was only after I felt that I had maintained my sobriety for a period of time and I felt an honest feeling to grow, that I felt ready to address the steps of teshuvah as presented by the Rabeinu Yona and the Rishonim. The word charata did not enter my dictionary until this point started. I only knew words like sobriety, protection, Hashem, etc.. I focused on 12 steps, Tehillim, constant prayer (and I mean constant), and making small changes to my daily routine that made a big difference. And I was the first pioneer on the forum to take on the 12 steps by myself (I had no clue that it was intended for groups, honestly).
Also, I used the partner/accountability system set up on GYE to help me learn about myself by getting in touch with another struggler like me. I corresponded with him for two and half months. We spoke about a lot of things and clarified issues. (I recently put our correspondences in a Word doc, and it came to 28 pages).
Here are a few good quotes regarding basic tenets of the 12 steps that I wrote to my partner back in Feb:
"When it comes to self control, we need to work on two contradictory things. First we need to believe that we are in control of our actions. We make a strong decision that we will not do this anymore and stop it. This comes after we realize we can control ourselves... The other thing, is to realize that in fact we completely lack control and only Hashem can help us. We realize that only Hashem can give us the control that we need. To do this, means to constantly daven to Hashem to protect us from our own self-control. We need to internalize Hashem's control over the world and us..."
[Feb 20]
"The difference this time, is that I focus not only on abstinence but on building a constant relationship with Hashem. The 12 steps helped me with that. I constantly daven to Hashem, no matter what situation I am in. I could be walking in the street, shopping, walking around my home, etc. I continue to talk to Him. I say things like 'please help me not have any urges, and if I do, give me the strength to surrender it to you". "Help me come close to you". "Please guide me to make the right decisions".
[Feb 21]
"...I began for the first time expressing the basic tenets of the 12-steps, which is that we are POWERLESS to lust. I did not realize it at the time, but that is what it was. I always said Tehillim, but I never davened in my own words for help as if I could not do it without Hashem. When I discovered this and began to use it, it was so powerful."
[Feb 22]
"What happens when the Yetzer Hara strikes? Firstly, remember, you really are POWERLESS to lust."
[Feb 22]
"So I continue to keep my head high as I rely on Hashem that as long as I continue to try to beseech him and do my best at maintaining and building a long-lasting relationship with him, He will protect me from all enemies, from both within and without".
[Feb 27]
For the first time in my life I was able to wake up in the morning and say Modeh Ani with kavanah. I thanked Hashem for real for giving me life back. I thanked him for giving me another day to live and become a greater person. For the first time in my life, I began to really appreciate life, with all its hardships and setbacks. All the knowledge that I had amassed over the many long years of struggling came rushing down to me with clear understanding. I was finally able to internalize all my knowledge and bring it to my heart, as the baalei mussar tell us.
I spent the first two months of sobriety in intense davening to Hashem to help me. I set aside time each day for tehillim (and continue to do so) as I connected myself. [As an aside, if I am not mistaken, this has been the approach of the early AA's as well. They would encourage recovering addicts that after making a definitive decision to remove themselves from alcohol, the needed to spend time each day involved in religious work to connect themselves to G-d]. I NEVER EVER wanted to go back to that dark world again. I had fallen in the past and I knew it could happen again. I begged Hashem day and night for eternal protection. I did everything in my means to help myself. I understood in a very real way that help from Hashem will only come if I put in all my efforts. And all my efforts were exerted. The Rabeinu Yona tells us that a person who really wants, tries. He explains that that is what bechira is all about. It is about putting in all your efforts as you express your true desire. If you want but do not do, then you do not really want. You only want to want.
I needed to rebuild my life from the start. I began implementing small changes that made a huge difference to my day. I understood that without proper kavanah in Shemah, modeh ani and krias shema al ha'Mitah, I would never gain the proper perspective on life that I needed. I understood that without proper perspective on love and intimacy, I would never survive. I took what I always knew to be true and began internalizing it. I began writing loving letters to my wife, as I expressed my emotions in a very open way. I became more careful with inyanei kedusha. This included sleeping in the right direction and stopping to invite the yetzer hara into my life. I became extremely more cautious in other areas as well, but I won't elaborate.
One great zechus that Hashem gave me, was that precisely during my beginning days of sobriety, my wife and I had to remain abstinent due to uncontrollable circumstances. My wife was sick for an extended period of time. While it was initially frustrating, I began to realize how much my perspectives on life and family had not been internalized, and how selfish I had become. Also, during this time, my wife was unable to handle most of the daily chores. I had to help out much more, as well as offer proper comfort to her. This meant learning to become sympathetic and expressing love and concern. I began to understand that Love was not about romance but about caring. It was about building an eternal bond of oneness with another, which leads to a natural sense of concern and care. It is about giving and not getting. And the more I gave, the greater I felt. I transformed myself from selfishness to selflessness. I was finally able to express my love to my wife for real. Of course I always knew this. But for the first time, I began living it.
In short; in the past, this long period of separation would often lead to addiction and depression. This time it lead me to sobriety and rejuvenation.
For me, the after-shock of recovery was far too massive to just sit back idly. My thirst for real Teshuvah was a moral responsibility that I felt. I needed to connect to my spirit in a very real way. I needed to do something. I was desperate to maintain sobriety. I let my soul lead the way. My neshama knew exactly what it needed. My hurting soul needed comfort and relief in a time of destruction. My soul was was so happy to finally be allowed into my life and to finally shine. When I felt pain about my past, I also felt joy. I understood that I was removing the outer layers that cover the spirit. I was getting in touch with myself for the first time in a long while. I was finally able to cry the way I cried when I was a youth, beginning my battle 15 years ago. This was a sign that I was not 'cut-off'.
My need for proper teshuvah was from my inner spirit telling me to do the ratzon Hashem. My need for teshuvah was not a 'method' to remove myself from sin. B"H, I was beyond that. The day I decided 'No More', it melted away like ice in the hot sun. That part was easy. When you truly want it, it is easy. AND I WANTED OUT. NO MORE.
But I still needed to do teshuvah. I needed kapara for the past and tahara for the future. This has nothing to do methodology of recovery [which we discussed yesterday]. Hashem sent his special messengers down to this earth to guide us, like Rabbeinu Yona. I needed to understand the effects of my past and ask for proper forgiveness. I knew that this does not come to those who just want it. It comes after hard work of internalizing the truth of the world. One must learn to understand. I have done this many times in the past, but I knew this time would be different.
For the first time in my life, I began to understand what Charata (regret) really meant. I understood how charata has much more to do with internalizing than knowing. Charata is a feeling of astonishment and shock. The new person known as a baal teshuva cannot believe what the old person did. This comes only through a creating a new person; a person that has internalized how terrible his acts were. A person that internalizes how great Hashem is. With this, he becomes shocked and stands in disbelief as he realizes how he has rebelled, destroyed himself, acted worse than the animals, etc. But this is an avodah.
I learned to understand aziva hachet (leaving sin), and I did everything in my capability to not allow lustful triggers to enter my day, following the guidelines of halacha, as opposed to idealistic thinking. (See the "Quote of the Day" below, which discusses this same idea!)
I understood and felt "yagon" (sadness / pain at having been lost) as my neshama unleashed itself, and it cried days on end. (You can read more about yagon on this post from April).
And I began internalizing daaga (worry) from the yetzer hara, as I strengthened my fences. I became more careful where I walked and with whom I spoke. I davened for protection with greater conviction, as even the most remote possibility for sin was scary to me. I was encouraged to increase my awareness of Hashem with each passing day. I should never settle for yesterday's accomplishments.
And as I feared retribution, I davened for salvation. I took each minor mishap in my life as another brick of atonement. I laughed as I was pained, realizing it is all a kaparah.
And the growth goes on as we move to hachna'a (humilty) and then to sheviras hataavos (breaking the desires), and onwards.
And I also knew that last year, when I went six months clean and then fell, one of my biggest mistakes was not doing any vidui until Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed of myself for this. (I had been scared to say vidui only to be proven a hypocrite later on).
I needed to get close to Hashem (again). I felt so distant from Him. It was me that had created that barrier, and I would have to work to remove it. I knew that I had gotten myself into these things, and I needed to get myself out of it. I had made many wrong decisions in my life, and it was in my hand - NOW - to change. I needed to stop relying on others for chizuk alone, and I realized the matter is in my hands to fix. I needed to stop thinking that 'Eventually I will stop, the problem will just go away on its own.' As I removed myself from sin, I begged Hashem day and night to let me back. He allowed me to come to his throne of glory for a period of time (approx. 5 weeks) as I expressed all my inner emotions directly to Him. Those were the most precious days of my life.