Thankfully, I recognized that I was on that downward spiral, heading toward self-destruction. The person I was on the inside felt less than human.
One day, while perusing a Jewish news site, I found a banner ad aimed right in my direction -- "Guard Your Eyes," a new site for Jews struggling with the challenge of pornography. There were a few stories, discussions of the problem and its prevalence in modern society. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest; my secret was hidden no more. I read every word and found links to other similar sites, and read some more. It was both liberating and extremely stressful at the same time. While living a double life, I had successfully managed to ignore the ugly part and compartmentalize. Now I was being challenged to confront reality head on. There was a way out and I was determined to take it.
The goal was clear -- I needed to stop living in my head. Satisfaction and fulfillment would have to come from real activities and pursuits that took place in the outside world, among real people. Step one was accountability. I needed to reveal my secret to another human being and close the gap that divided the good from the bad. I had to become one person who had a problem to confront.
I contacted the site administrator and established a daily check in with another member via e-mail. I spoke to a therapist and my rabbi. Both committed to help me. It quickly became clear that if I was going to tackle this and heal, I had to tell my wife. After agonizing for several days, I did. Understandably, she did not react very well and left the house. While waiting for her to come back I experienced the most excruciating emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. In hindsight, the depth of the pain was the biggest blessing I was given throughout this struggle, since my wish to avoid a repeat is by far the strongest motivation I have to stay clean. I never want to go through that again.
Although the secret was out, years of living in another world create habits of thought that do not vanish as soon as they're revealed. The techniques that help me in my recovery are of two basic types. The first are practical ways to stop acting out.
One way was to write a detailed list of the consequences of not stopping, including experiencing deep emotional pain, losing everything worthwhile in my life (my wife and children, my job and the respect of colleagues and peers), failing at the goals I set for myself, shame at giving in to a destructive force against my will, and losing my connection to fulfilling higher pursuits and ideals.
No less important is the list of the rewards of stopping: I will thrive. I will earn and keep the respect and companionship of my wife, the best life partner I could ever ask for. I will be emotionally healthy and experience contentment and happiness every day of my life. I will enjoy the pleasures of the world the way they were intended to be enjoyed, with no painful aftertaste. I will raise happy and healthy children and maintain close and loving relationships with them and their children as well. And I will have the freedom to pursue and the tools to attain goals that were beyond my reach until now.
Another way is to think of all the scenarios that prompted the urge to act out in the past and avoid putting myself in those positions, keeping myself occupied with positive and productive activities instead. For example, if browsing the internet got me into trouble, install failsafe filters to which I don't have the password. Call or e-mail my accountability partner when the urge to act out strengthens. Resisting at the critical moment is all it takes -- after that, the urge subsides. Set manageable goals. Don't think about stopping "for the rest of your life," rather think about stopping just for today.