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The Emotional Void

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 11 January 2012

I come from a quasi-broken home, devoid of all love and affection. I first turned to shmuzt+hz"l as a temporary 'relief' from the bitter depression that I lived with day and night. With no social network, and virtually no family, I was left to raise myself, and provide my emotional needs. The dark side of the internet gave me the only relief I knew of, and with the advance of DSL I went from bad to worse. Then with unlimited internet on my cell phone, I had an unlimited assortment of pictures to satisfy my never-ending lust.

3 years ago I found GYE (back on the .com site, even before the forum existed). After 2 months of tortuous work, I broke free and had my first of several 200+ days clean. Since then I have grow until the point where I can KILL any lust within a moment of it entering my mind. I have my lusting under control and my shmiras einayim perfected to an art. However all my years of lusting have left me with a gaping emotional void. A vacuum that sucks the pleasure and meaning of everything I now have from me. I remain a grim and placid person, unable to enjoy the blessings G-D bestows onto me.

All the years that I was enslaved to lust created a permanent mark in my self, that effects everything I do. But rather than accept myself as 'damaged goods' I decided to use the 12 steps to help me fill that void. Anyone who has born witness to Dov's passionate posts and his adherence to the program, will understand why I am now beginning to ascribe myself to this system. I am not doing it because I cannot control my lust, I C-A-N. Not because I cannot control my eyes, I have them almost fully in control. Rather I am submitting to the 12 step system, because nothing else has proven itself a long term therapy (learning lots of Torah works wonders in this, until I burn-out and go into a depression).

Please join me on my path to rediscovering myself, and learning how to live as a RECOVERED LUST ADDICT.