So here I am, 52 years old, finally beginning my journey into my New Way of Living, thanx to Reb Guard, Duvid Chaim & the fearless crew on his calls, and the GYE family.
I got here about a year and a half ago, in July 2008, while searching for chizuk for shmiras eiynayim. I signed up for the emails, but then I wasted over a year letting them collect in an inbox folder hoping to get to read them one day. The forum looked too intricate for me to navigate, so I didn't even try.
B"H for "falls" at the right time, cuz picking myself up from one led me to finally read one email. And THAT ONE, ladies and gents, is where I saw the advertisement for Duvid Chaim's new 12-Step Program Group Call, and thank G-D I followed the links to find out more. Again, Hashem was stretching out His hand to me, but THIS time, I TOOK IT!! I joined his group when it started in October.
I NEVER would have suspected I was a sexaholic, I just thought I was a guy with a very big Yetzer Hara that just got out of hand with the ease of internet access. But when I read the description that an addict is ONE WHO KNOWS HE SHOULD STOP, BUT CAN NOT, or described as someone who loses time from work and family because of this uncontrollable drive; someone whose life is heading to ruination, it hit me. Those words described me 'to a T'. I was seeing myself and my uncontrollable life mirrored in the words of so many others, I couldn't believe it! I WAS NOT ALONE.
All the years of acting out; the guilt and the shame; the hours glued to bad sites while family time and parnassa slipped away; the lying to my children who'd call me at work and ask "Tatty, when are you coming home?" And I'd close my eyes to the screen to say "I have to work late", then open them up again after the call to keep watching for hours more... And the self hate, the loathing, the name calling and cursing of myself that I did when I'd drive home at 3 am, the promises to Hashem, and then breaking them the very next morning. Days, months, YEARS lost, and I thought I could climb out of it on my own one day.
GuardYourEyes, along with Duvid Chaim and the brave members of our crew, have shown me the real way out of this decrepit existence, toward a life of freedom from this "lust addiction", and hopefully from my other shortcomings as well.
On the calls, I found people whom I could talk to through the blessed veil of anonymity, to discover who I really am and find how I could heal. And on the forum I found the rest of you, both inspirational and needy, and I've been blessed that I could help a little here and there. What I love best, is that the time I would have spent on my computer pushing Hashem out of the world, I am now using to pull Him back in; into my life and into the life of others.
Thanx to Duvid Chaim, I am on the road to recovery. It was hard to accept that "I'm a pickle, and will never be a cucumber again." (i.e. that an addict has permanently altered his way of thinking and will never be the same). He showed me logically the truth behind it. But I never really understood the depth of my emotional loss at that recognition until I read Letakein's amazing poem, The Falling Leaves. She wrote that to help herself heal, but by sharing it, she MADE me heal. I wasn't afraid to take the next step, to "Let Go and Let G-d", to trust His re-creating me into something new, even though I still do not know where it's heading.
So, my friends (and it means so much to me to be able to call y'all that), THIS is the place on earth for real Milchemes Hashem.