Dear GYE,
I am 32 years old, and this struggle has brought me to places in the last few years that I do not want to mention. I WAS FIGHTING EVERYDAY, ASKING MYSELF “AM I NORMAL OR NOT?”
But B"H, thanks to GuardYourEyes, I am almost 5 months clean today. A few weeks into my 90 days my urge was huge. I tried calling everybody on the planet, but had no success, so I just cried to Hashem and He helped me.
I want to share what has changed in my thinking during the last few months since I was introduced to your site.
1) Firstly, Dov (a GYE moderator) knocked some sense into me and helped me realize that I was nuts :-) I was always busy fighting, asking myself if I AM ADDICITED OR NOT and that did not allow me to get honest with myself. I learned that whether I call it “addiction” or call it “Yetzer Hara,” one thing is for sure, I am messed up in the head and not everybody is like this.
2) I don’t look forward to dry spells, where things are just calm, and I forget what I am capable of doing. This summer is the first summer in my life that I brought Hashem into my struggle; when times were tough, I just prayed to Hashem to remove this from me. I did not go in to a frenzy and look for that cozy feeling of being all clean and holy, I faced my struggles head on and was not afraid to look them in the eye and say, “my body wants this but this is not good for me. Hashem please remove this from me.”
3) I also realized that these struggles stem from being a selfish person: I am willing to destroy myself and my family just so that I can have a good time. I developed a mindset that women are my toys. For G-d’s sake, they all have their own husbands! What shaychus do I have with someone else’s wife?! I also learned to bless the pretty woman in the street and not feel resentful about her personally. I have to hate immorality but not hate the actual person.
4) I am content with being a person who has these struggles for the rest of my life. WHY? because it's not about MY WILL, I do HASHEM'S will - and if He wants this for me, then this is what’s good for me.
5) I can never rest on my laurels. I always have to remind myself what I am capable of doing so I don’t get caught off-guard.
6) This year on Rosh Hashanah, I did not say that this year I will not do these things anymore. Instead, I said that I WILL BRING HASHEM IN TO MY STRUGGLES AND NOT FIGHT THEM MYSELF ANYMORE, BECAUSE I CAN’T FIGHT!!!
May this year be the year that we start doing Hashem’s Will and not our will!!!
Thanks for everything you do.