Wednesday, 08 February 2012

PM From Hashem

by Lamed Vavnik (See all authors)

I had a not very great experience over Shabbos, but it ended well. I was bored and restless in the middle of Shabbos night, and my old habits came back to me. I wasn't even in the mood - I didn't even have desire. But acting out is a strong habit. You do it sometimes just to do it, just because you can. I thought about doing things that I shouldn't do, things that would for sure lead me to act out. As I started, I was asking myself, "why am I doing this? I don't need this". Just then, my little 2 year old boy made a sound. I waited and he got up and started coming to me. I quickly stopped what I was going to do and turned to him. He came to my bed with a stuffed toy Sefer Torah, gave it to me and left.

I said to myself, "this is nuts. It would be enough to stop me if he had just come himself, but he came with a message!"

I got up and found him in the bathroom and asked him if he wanted to sleep with me tonight. He said yes. We both felt safer that night.

I'm not proud that I was too weak to stop myself, but I am proud that Hashem sent me a PM to stop me. I didn't let myself get down over the weakness, because if Hashem sent me this message, he must love me. I thought to myself, "Hashem wants you closer to Him. Don't waste time being depressed, just get closer to him!"

I had a pretty good Shabbos after that.

I just wanted to share, that sometimes Hashem comes and grabs us in the worst times and shows us, "look, I'm here with you. I care what you do. Stop!".

May we all be Zoicheh to feel Hashem's love and attention like that, all the time.