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No Choice but to Fall

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Just wanted to share a quick story. Last night I was coming home on the train, it was pretty late and there were all of these drunks coming home from parties and such, and of course everyone was dressed very immodestly. Out of nowhere, I felt mamash trapped in the good ol' desires. I tried shaking it off as hard as possible, and the harder I tried, the more I was falling... fast. I literally was trying everything I could. I even took a longer path home to free my mind a bit. But as addicts, we all know that once the desire comes, you need to have the right tools to deal with it. Anyways, I was panicking, because it's been about 2 weeks clean now and I really felt that I had been on a roll. I was thinking in my head - "ok, why do I need this to feel better, what is this really going to help me for?" Yet, still these thoughts weren't going away.

Honestly, for the first time in my life, I felt absolutely trapped... It felt as if I had no choice but to fall, zero. Since I recently joined this site, I could only think of one thing to do. Surrender. I closed my eyes, and said, "Hashem, I have absolutely no freedom right now, I hate this and I don't want this at all, get rid of this from me now, because you are the only One that can help me get through this. Please, please don't leave me here, I am trying so hard and I am nothing without you".

To make a short story long, I got out of the subway, my head cleared, and I went to sleep smiling and so happy that Hashem gave me new life. Here I am beginning my 3rd week clean since joining this site, planning to take it one day at a time, progressively trying to surrender myself to Hashem. Thanks for all the great advice.