Never ever give up
Over the past few months, a member by the name of "Battleworn" has been posting his story on the forum in stages (Battleworn's complete story can be seen on our website over here). It is a story of sincerity and striving, and it is a classic example of "the greater the person, the greater the tests". Throughout the story, we see how each time he achieved new spiritual heights, he was challenged anew. It is a story of a true "battleworn" soldier, whom the king has entrusted at the very front lines. We all salute GENERAL Battleworn!
I would like to share with everyone the last installment to this inspiring story (posted today):
At that point, my marriage was at it's worst state ever. About five and a half months ago, I tried making a strong detailed kabbala to stay away from bad searches and bad sites. That helped for a very short time. (The hadracha on this site for making vows is the perfect solution to this problem [webmaster comment: See here and here].) Right about then, I had a meeting with my wife's therapist, (that she's been seeing the last few years). In the past, there had been a bit of a disagreement between the therapist and I (although we always got along very well and I always agreed to give everything a try). In this last meeting, everything seemed to become very clear. On the one hand, it felt good to really understand what I'm dealing with. But at the same time, it was a very hard pill for me to swallow. The next day the menuval grabbed the opportunity. He got really cunning and managed to get me to break my kabala.
A few days later, I began to search for a website that helps with these things. First I Googled "kedusha", but that didn't get me anywhere. But B"H I kept trying until I found GUE, the greatest site in the world. It was very exciting, although the forum -which is my favorite by far, wasn't up yet.
By the way, there has been discussion here about a Torah source for the 12 steps. I want to say that I had never heard of the 12 steps before I discovered GUE. When I saw the 12 steps for the first time, there were no chidushim to me. I had learned it all over the many years of my battles, at least 90%, perhaps 100%, from Torah sources. [I also think the question is irrelevant, as others have pointed out.]
I should have subscribed to the chizuk email list right away, but I was lazy about figuring out how to set up a private email address. What I really was looking for and really needed was a forum. I followed a link to a different site that has a forum, but it was just not the right thing. The next time the disgraceful, despicable menuval started up, I decided that I had better take care of the email thing. So B"H I did it, and the first time I opened my mailbox I saw a link to the forum. I clicked on that link -bless that day- and pretty soon I was crying. To see my holy, precious, beloved brothers and fellow warriors joining together to fight back effectively and give each other support and chizuk, is by far the best therapy and the best chizuk I can ever hope for.
That was about 100 days ago, and since then the rules of the game have changed. Of course I know very well that I can never let my guard down. But I also know that I have won a new and different kind of battle, than ever before. Until now my main weapons were Torah, Tefilah and simcha (of course that's the way it should be). But Hashem wanted me to learn, how to stay clean even in the darkest times. I have hardly been able to learn during the last six months, even though normally I absolutely love learning. I have hardly been able to daven properly, and I feel like I forgot what simcha is. But bi'zchus GUE and all the fantastic chevra here, I've learned to fight and win even without my weapons.
I deeply yearn for the day when my shmiras einayim will be like it once was. And also, of course, my davening learning and everything else. But until then, I promise not to give in to the menuval, come what may.
I hope I don't scare anyone with my story. Quite honestly, I don't think Hashem does this to most people. One thing everyone can learn from me, and from the menuval, is to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up.