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Lowering Our Expectations

Can someone who watched porn in the past and is getting married now, be helped to lower their expectations?

the.guard Wednesday, 17 March 2021
Part 5/5 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

So to sum up: How do we let go of expectations?

Three Attitude Tips:

  1. Fake vs. Real: The struggle between "quick and cheap" vs. “patience and hard work" is why we are here in this world. Life is about growing up. Remember the chapter in Mishlei where Shlomo Hamelech reminds us how futile is lust and how wonderful it is to drink water from our very own well - יְהִֽי־מְקוֹרְךָ֥ בָר֑וּךְ וּ֜שְׂמַ֗ח מֵאֵ֥שֶׁת נְעוּרֶֽךָ.
  1. Emunah: Just like the Eitz Hadaas and Maan in the desert, our biggest test in life is to trust that Hashem knows what’s best for us and is caring for all our needs, and not try to take control to take care of our own needs. "Having expectations" means I am concerned with taking care of what I perceive as my needs and not trusting that Hashem provides me with all I need.
  1. Lust vs. Love: Understand that porn is a lie, it is the farthest thing possible from real love.

Three Practical Tips:

  1. Letting go of lust and guarding our eyes is a daily challenge. In the Guardyoureyes emails and website you can get eitzos, support and chizuk each day.

  2. The mind adapts quickly. As soon as we start guarding our eyes, the fantasies and expectations of the past will fade away and the more beautiful our wives will be to us.

  3. Find more enjoyment in learning Torah and the fantasies of the past will be replaced by the love of the Torah - דַּ֖דֶּיהָ יְרַוֻּ֣ךָ בְכָל־עֵ֑ת בְּ֜אַהֲבָתָ֗הּ תִּשְׁגֶּ֥ה תָמִֽיד.
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