Insights from a Close Call
This is the first time I had some major insights FROM A CLOSE CALL, instead of FROM A FALL, Thank G-d!
First of all, I used the forum in a way I never have before. I was desperate so I sent out distress PMs to some familiar names there. Until now, I've felt sort of impersonal just posting and reading posts. Now I feel a bit more part of the family.
I also sent in my questionnaire for a phone sponsor to the partner gabai.
The responses I got were basically to go for a walk or go for some coffee. I couldn't really go anywhere though. I was at home with just my 2 year old daughter, who was taking a nap, and my 8 year old son was due home in about a half hour.
I did change the atmosphere, though. I relaxed with some music, which I haven't really done in years.
I dropped my plans to work today. I'm translating this really frustrating booklet. In this mood, it would just bog me down.
I am generally a determined kinda' guy. I tend to set goals for myself and then run myself frantic to keep up with them. I set some rather ambitions learning goals about a week ago. I was suspicious already a couple of days ago that it would end up being counter-productive. I have decided to reduce them, relax a little bit about it, and to find something refreshing to learn some of the time.
I told my wife to get a babysitter for this evening and we should go for a walk together.
I feel like I'm slowly peeling away more and more layers, like an onion. I've recently noticed this depressed feeling that drags me down until I fall. And thank G-d, I've managed to avoid it.
Today I was bothered because I couldn't figure out WHAT was causing my attack.
I think that there may be a subtle (or maybe not so subtle) undercurrent of TENSION in my life. I wasn't so aware of it, because it felt like ACCOMPLISHMENT instead.
But somehow, listening to music was able to ward off the yetzer hara.
I think I needed to chill more.
Thank you everyone for your responses. You kept me from falling!