It's in times of courage that I remember to send you an e-mail...
The Chizuk e-mails that I receive each day help me loads, and B"H things have picked up, and I can't stop thanking Hashem for helping me overcome lust in some nearly impossible situations. I'm the head of a company and we got a new, attractive sales-worker a few months ago, and I had many difficult battles with myself not to offer money for any stupid things that I would regret afterwards. B"H, I succeeded in holding myself back with a lot of self-control and siyatah dishmayah.
But it was so hard that at one point, I ordered some illicit pleasures out of my area. But as I made the reservation, I called my Chavrusah (who doesn't even know about my dark side and my hidden struggles), and I texted him that I have been up to no good and that he should make sure I stay in area that night. After texting him and feeling completely humiliated, I had the courage to cancel the service I had booked.
The next day, I took the 200 Pounds I was going to spend, and I splurged on bicycles and toys for my two kids....
Then last night, which was a few weeks later, I stumbled on to a bad website and saw lust that offered the best of this world for 250 Pounds. Having made 700 Pounds cash profit that day from two deals, it was too hard to resist and I signed up.
This time, I was too ashamed to tell my Chavrusah. I went into the Carmel shop to stock up on some treats for the enjoyment, and I bumped into a neighbor. I offered him a ride home, asking him how his kids are doing. He tells me his kid has been in a London hospital for over 3 weeks with multiple infections, and he tells me how hard it is, etc.
And I looked at this guy with three young kids, holding his Talis in his hands, and I thought to myself how amazing it is that he stays Erlich (upright) and strong in his Emunah despite it all... He told me how he hasn't had a warm supper in a long time, as his wife and kid have been now three weeks in hospital, and his other kids are sleeping out all over...
When we got home, I told him to wait a moment; I went inside, took out 200 Pounds from my pocket, went out and said, "Here you go; have a chill, treat yourself to some goodies".
He was shocked and told me that Bikkur Cholim would be just fine and that there was no need, etc. I replied that it's dead money, "take it now, and quick" (dead money means, that if you don't take it, it would go to bad places), and I rushed off.
Feeling all shaken by what I had done, I burst out crying, as it was from deep in my heart and it was extremely emotional.
I was still not happy that I had 50 Pounds of the money I was going to use, so I just chucked the remaining 50 Pounds into his mail box and ran off....