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Attack at 15 Months

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Many of you in this site probably don't even know me. I am a GYE old timer, who has been sober for close to FIFTEEN months through GYE, and still going, B"H. My commitment to sanity and sobriety is strong. If you want to get to know me better, you can read my journal that I posted on google docs or you could read my thread: 15+ years of battle.

I wanted to share with everyone a very scary encounter I had today with the yetzer hara. Today was my first major nisayon since the start of my journey FIFTEEN months ago. Today was the first time I actually had a real thought to sin. B"H, with the help of Hashem, I emerged victorious. Before I tell you what happened, I would like to share with you what I believe was part of the cause of this situation. Firstly, I have been lax in my davening for protection. I used to daven constantly to Hashem for help. But, as time went on, and my sense of security got stronger, I mellowed out. The second thing was that my shemiras eynayim was not as strong as it used to be.

So here is what happened. I created a web page for a client to collect data for registrants. Today, I was looking at the data and noticed a lot of indecent material. There were lots of urls for p**n. My heart began racing. There was a small voice inside me that said, "What a shame to miss out on such an OPPORTUNITY. You won't have to feel guilty because You were not looking for it. And of course you can take just ONE PEEK. And then that would be it. You can go back to work. And after all, you have been so strong, what could one peek do to you? No one would know. And besides, aren't you so CURIOUS to see what kind of pictures they are? Don't worry, this is is not a lust attack, it is just a curiosity attack. That's not so harmful. Go for it, yaakov. Go for it."

And so there I was, actually considering to commit spiritual/mental suicide.

But... Morai v'rabosai, for the past FIFTEEN months I prepared myself for this moment. I davened to Hashem the day should never come. But I asked that if it ever comes, I should have the strength and wisdom and pull myself out of it. I spoke to myself constantly to always remember the future implications of my actions. Never be fooled by the conniving ways of the yetzer hara. I had to remind myself over and over again that if it is wrong and bad to look at porn and mas**bate; G-d despises it being and done, and that's it. I refrain because I was told so. Not because it gives me emotional stability. Period. There is no room for debate with myself. This I told over and over to myself. And now the moment of truth arrived. Here I was contemplating the most horrific act, and I said NO NO NO!!! But he did not let up. He kept popping into my head and urging me to peek. The impulses were strong. He kept reminding me that it is just a peek. That's all. Just to satisfy the curiosity.

Finally, I felt strong and said "I will not". But I knew I could not just sit there. I quickly ran out and called my wife on the cell and told her what happened. She knows about my past addiction (though not to its fullest extent). She was pleased that I felt comfortable speaking to her about it. I told her that by speaking it out, it helps cool the fire.

Later on that day, I went to the kosel to daven my hear out. Firstly, I thanked Hashem for saving me from death, and then asked for further protection.

Tomorrow is the last day of Beha"b. May Hashem grant us all full kapara and continued shemira from the yetzer hara. To be granted that shemira, we need to daven for it and constantly set up better and better gedarim.