Sunday, 29 April 2012

At the crossroads

by Anonymous (See all authors)

Here are some excerpts from an inspiring story recently posted on our forum

After G-d placed me at the crossroads, and i found myself having to confront my demons, that I have been hesitant (or perceived as unable ) to confront, I went on a drive to clear my mind.
I shut the radio. I was driving in silence, but my mind was filled with noise. Very loud noise.
My mind was racing with all sorts of options for the path I would take for the rest of my life.
Was I ready to give up sin?
Would I survive a life without masturbation and illicit sex?
Would I manage to never again watch TV or movies?
Was I ready to finally commit to Hashem after all these years for real?
Would Hashem even accept my Tefilos and my teshuva? I was, after all, a soul that was filthy and ruined.
Would I have the guts to cut off all contact with people who had helped me sin?
My mind was hoping for the answer to all of the above to be a resounding "YES", but the Yetzer Hara (who of course came along with me for the drive) was tapping me on the shoulder and trying to tell me to just give it all up, and forget Hashem, and go live a "good" life of sin.

I cried like a baby on that car drive.

I listened to some wonderful CD's of Rabbanim discussing Teshuva etc., and it felt as if they were talking directly to me and giving me the courage to go with what i always wanted deep down in the depths of my Neshama.

By the time that drive was over (it was many, many hours of driving) I had made my decision, and there was no turning back.
I came home and went directly to my computer, and deleted any email addresses, blogs, or other accounts that I had that were in any way related to sin.
I slowly started purging my home of any influences of sin. I got rid of Movies, magazines etc.

I think I know myself very well, the only thing that works for me specifically is to combat Tumah with Tahara.
I knew from past experiences, and from past chapters in my life, that whenever my situation of Tahara (i.e. Torah study etc.) was elevated, my Tumah was weakened.

I started davening with Kavanah, and I started learning a lot of Torah (though it is far from enough)
I installed a filter on all my computers, and started seeking out sites of interest to replace the sites of sin that used to fill my down time. (which is how I found this site, Baruch Hashem)

The main things to remember are:

a) Never trust yourself totally (as the Mishna says) and always be on the lookout for the Yetzer Hara's new trap.

b) Hashem loves us more than we can ever love him (so says Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto), and he wants us to do Teshuva and will wait our entire lives for us to do it.

I am sure that many people who know me (or those who I no longer allow to know me) say that I went mad! Perhaps.
But I will take being mad and following in Hashem's path any day, over being "normal" and following in the Yetzer Hara's path.

May Hashem give me (and all of you reading this) the inner strength to persevere, and be amongst the select few who merit to join Mashiach in the rebuilding of the Bais hamikdash and the glorification of Hashem's name very soon.