How can I do Teshuvah for the worst of sins?
There are two things I want to tell you meanwhile, to get you started in recovery even before meeting Reb Shlachter or joining the SA group.
1) Once you are talking to the woman, it is too late. You will be basically an oinus. The enemy outside, needs to stay outside. Once we let him in through our eyes, he is then inside our very own hearts and it's almost impossible to beat him. As they say in AA, it was the first sip that got us drunk. Why? Cuz once we start to taste the lust, we are powerless. There is no way to even begin recovery unless you make yourself strong fences in Shmiras Ainayim and in not talking to women. Once we get into conversation, or even let ourselves see too much, we are powerless over the addiction.
2) Make yourself a battle plan. Conquer one territory at a time. Once that territory is secured, you can make progress in other areas too. For now, make your red line: No married women for 90 days. Period. No matter what. Everything else, is Ok. If you're gonna fall, you can fall, but NOT there – no matter what. Once that territory is secure, you can move on. Deal?
Hashem loves you, and we are all here for you. But virtual support is not enough in your case. After all, the acting out wasn't just virtual, right? And the same thinking that got us into the addiction, won't get us out. We need a whole new way of thinking. And that you can get from SA and from Reb Shalchter.
Hashem put you into this situation because he knew you'd come out much stronger and with a much closer Kesher to him, at the end of the day. You have it in your hands now to use this addiction as a spring board for spiritual and mental growth that you never dreamed of!
You are fortunate to have reached out for help and found us while you are still young – and still unmarried. Leaving this unchecked could completely destroy your life in this world and the next, not to mention your wife’s life too one day. Marriage does not solve the problem of addiction at all.
I have confidence you will get back up and become the person you know you can be.