Saturday, 02 May 2020

Terrified of Intercourse

by Rav Dovid Morgenstern (See all authors)

Question:

Hi, I am recently married (around 4 months). I have struggled my whole life with shmiras ainayim, I have a therapist and a rebbe that I was communicating my progress with and they both felt based on where I was holding I can move forward and get married. Problem is, my wife is terrified of intercourse. We've tried over and over and she freeks out and stops me every time. That has not stopped me from taking care of her, but that coupled with the constant trying and my already existent struggles caused me to fall after weeks and weeks of trying. Question is - is there any room in Halacha to allow finishing outside, temporarily, until we can get through this. (A) It's better than the reality of what happens otherwise and (B) It will take the pressure off her that she feels like she's not taking care of me. I do understand however that it's not optimal and I don't want to use this as an excuse. I know I have to keep working. Also, if there's no room in Halacha I don't want to bring my wife into it. Thank you for your time and for making yourself available to others in need!


Rabbi Morgenstern responds:

There is a discussion among the poskim about this. However, because we are dealing with a very severe issur one should do everything possible not to get involved. Is there a possibility of penetrating slightly just to the extent that the ej. would be deposited in her body (not on her body), in which there would not be a problem.