Tuesday, 19 June 2018

Not Attracted to My Wife

Part 2/3 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

by Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha, LCSW-R, GYE, Yaakov from GYE (See all authors)

Turned-Off writes again a few months later:

Hi, I emailed you a few months ago (see previous page) regarding my situation how I'm not attracted to my wife and I'm having difficulty being with her physically..

My situation only got worse. I have spoken to another physiologist in the past who was very honest and open with me and told me from the start he has no idea how to help me and didn't even want to take money from me b/c he didn't feel like he helped me. At this point, I was not with my wife for almost a year except for maybe a few times where I didn't want to come to waste my seed and ended up being together for the sake of releasing but haven't even felt much pleasure. After every time being together I come out feeling unsatisfied and hungry for a normal physical relationship. I keep strong as far as shmirat ainayim and continue to have no access to any internet. Honestly it gets extremely tough not to release when there is no outlet and my wife is not an outlet since I don't feel anything to be aroused when together and so it doesn't get anywhere it just causes me more frustration and my wife more hurt and guilt for the way she looks. I feel extremely stuck. Baruch Hashem every other part of my marriage is good but I can't believe b/c of this 1 thing it can get so in the way. How much longer am I expected to just live a life of abstaining and deprivation and feel anxiety every time I might come across someone else's wife who looks amazing after having many children. I'm only 26 and I feel like I'm supposed to live a life with absolutely no pleasure. At least a single person can know to keep strong for a little more and eventually he will get married to someone they are attracted to. In my case I can't even tell myself eventually things would get better since I got married to a girl I wasn't attracted to just focusing on all the other good about her and her body just keeps gaining weight and she fails at every diet and would gain double what she loses. She has been only looking worse and gaining more weight after 3 kids and things will only go downhill from here and get even worse than they already are. I feel I'm the only person who is going through this since every other normal guy gets married to a girl who they are actually attracted to and so they don't have to run in to this problem.

You are honestly my last resort. Thank you for your caring to help another Jew out. I feel this Jew is hopeless.


Yaakov Responds:

Some points to consider:

  • Love needs to come from giving, not from taking.

  • 90% of women become unattractive after a few children.

  • Let's say you would have married a girl you were attracted to and she got sick, or cancer chas veshalom, or had an accident and couldn't be with you physically, would you leave her?

  • She brought you 3 children! Shouldn't that be enough reason to love her?

  • What if chas veshalom you were the one who got sick or had cancer, would you want her to leave you? The basis of the Torah is not to do unto others what you wouldn't want done to you.

  • Some people have trouble with shalom bayis, but not trouble with attraction. Would that be preferable in your eyes?

  • Some people have sicknesses, problems with parnassa, problems with sick children, or children off the derech, pains, suffering, etc... Would you want to trade your package of tzuros with someone else's?

  • Every neshama has to go through suffering in this world. And it's exactly what your neshama needs to clean and polish it into a diamond.

  • Avraham was thrown into a furnace, Yitzchak was bound on the mizbeach to be slaughtered, Yaakov lost the love of his life after the birth of his second child, his daughter was raped, and then his precious son Yosef was supposedly killed by a wild animal.

  • We are here in the world to grow and be polished by Hashem's infinite wisdom.

  • We can't escape our destiny. You will only find happiness through acceptance. That means to surrender to God's will for you in this life. Accepting life on life's terms.

  • Once you accept, you will find inner peace -- and even love for your wife...