CLICK HERE to download a booklet called “Niddah - A Practical Psychological Guide for Couples” by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, which contains a discussion of the problems and challenges faced by couples, specific tips and tools for men and women, and special considerations for people in recovery and other mental health challenges.
Below is a discussion between GYE and a woman who was struggling with a long Niddah period after birth.
Yocheved* (name changed) writes:
I'm after a baby and so far I've been a niddah for the past 3 months. I'm at the end of my rope, my head is in crazy places, and my husband who is usually so good about these things is really having a very hard time already. I'm saying and doing the wrong things because I literally can't hold back anymore (not doing anything drastic as my husband is very strong, and I would NEVER defile him like that) but on my part, I can't say I'm making it easier for him.
Is there something that you recommend for couples struggling with Niddah? Is there anything I can do to get thru this crazy time? I need to get out of my head... how can I help my husband go through this as well?
GYE Responds:
Hashem is surely proud of you both, this is one of the hardest things He has ever asked of you in your lives probably.
But maybe it can help to think of this: If you were offered a choice between never being intimate again c"v, or the child you just had, which would you choose?
I hope that you would choose the child...
So think about this. Hashem has given you the most amazing, incredible gift. A beautiful, healthy perfect little human being, with over 30 thousand billion cells in his body! And each cell has a DNA with 3 billion base strands, and 20,000 genes. Each DNA has a perfect combination of the genetic make-up of both you and your husband and contains information on how to create an entire human being. That’s more info than in an entire encyclopedia (!) and it’s in each of the 30 thousand billion cells!! And it’s a Jewish child no less, a grandchild of Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov, a whole universe! How many people davened for years for the zechus of holding a child of their own and weren't zoche...
And all He asks of you in return is a few months of abstinence...
You will be together again soon. And the struggles you feel now will feel like a distant dream...
So try to hold out. Hold out for Hashem, hold out as a THANK YOU to Him for the gift he has given the two of you!
And in this zechus, He will surely bless you with much Nachas and Kedusha with all your children!
Yocheved Responds:
Of course that is a really good point.
And of course we will hold out, and my marriage is too important to me to ruin with a momentary thrill.
Yocheved writes:
I'm just down and not managing. And my husband’s also out of it.
More than the "no sex" I find niddah hard because you can't express yourself properly and things feel very remote and distant.
GYE Responds:
Niddah was given to us by Hashem to help us grow up. Try to see it as a gift from Hashem, to help us mature and develop our relationship OUTSIDE of the context of sexuality.
Try to express yourself properly and be emotionally present for each other, in spite of the physical barrier.
This is a wonderful exercise in building your marriage and taking it to a NEW level.
Then when you can be together again, the togetherness will be even more REAL and meaningful than before.
Meanwhile, spend some quality time with your husband and watch this 2 hour video talk about the difference between men and women. It will keep you both laughing throughout! You can divide up watching it into 2 parts (the first part is 1.12 minutes). Right click on the link and choose "Save Target/Link as". Enjoy!!
Yocheved Responds:
Thank you so much! we really need things like this, and it's hard getting out with the kids/work.
But this gift has long exceeded the realms of normal niddah times....
Also, you can't express yourself according to Halacha in an affectionate manner.
How do you mean "expressing myself properly".
I'm tired of hearing "how much I mean to him, etc"
GYE Responds:
The Pasuk says "Ul'davka bo - and you shall cling to Hashem". Chaza"l ask, "How can one cling to Hashem? He is a all-consuming fire! But what the Pasuk means is, cling to His Middos. Just as He is merciful and kind, so should you be merciful and kind."
We see from this that real closeness (d'veikus) is defined by a spiritual sharing of desires and goals, and NOT by physical closeness, which is impossible with Hashem.
So if you and your husband use this time apart to build up REAL closeness by sharing the same goals, and doing for one another, etc. there is no affection greater than this.
The physical closeness is just cream on the cake. But the emotional closeness is the cake itself.
Yocheved Responds:
Wow, I really appreciate this answer. I'm very "textual" so this is something that is really great to think about and apply.
It's kind of making me excited now that I'm a niddah :) so much to do, so little time ... (LOL, now I sound bipolar!)
Thanks! :)
Two months later… Yocheved writes:
Really stuggling. About 5 months of nidda now, on my way out the door to the mikva, and the last bedika is no good. This is the 6th time this happened.
I lost all chaishek to keep any of these halachos. If I ever need my husband’s closeness it's now and I don't understand why I'm being tested like this when clearly I can't pass.
I cried all day today because I knew that it wouldn't work out last minute.
I think I'm going to need trauma therapy for this. I'm at complete loss.
GYE Responds:
You are obviously being tested now by Hashem in a big way. We can't understand His ways, I wish I could help more. Perhaps the second part of an article I recently wrote (here) can help give some perspective and chizuk.
But "giving in" to the desires is simply not an option, even if you feel the test is simply too great. It's like saying, "I am in too much pain now from stubbing my toe, so I will jump off the roof and end all my pain". That's not an option. Is it?
I know how difficult this can be. I remember once after birth when it was already almost two months, I was in so much pain that I lay on the ground and cried to Hashem to help me surrender to His will.
We need to try keep perspective of how much we have to be thankful for. Would we rather be sick with cancer c"v or suffer from a long niddah cycle? Who knows what Hashem is trying to save us from when he gives us suffering and tests. We must believe it is for our benefit.
By keeping the halachos, you are giving Hashem your heart and showing Him that His will is what really matters to you more than anything. This is a once in a life-time opportunity that can define your entire life! When you come up to Shamayim after 120 and the prosecuting angels claim that you were only frum because it was "convenient" for you but not because you loved Hashem, the advocating angels will point to this difficult period to prove that you loved Hashem more than the things that meant the most to you, and with this proof - you will be uplifting the divine service of your whole life!