Wednesday, 15 August 2018

I Pause

by GYE Member (See all authors)

I Pause

I am not an addict. I am the wife of an addict. I have also lived with other addictions before my marriage. My mind is trained to obsess about the addict and their safety, their whereabouts, how they are, or how they ought to be.

Something I've learned to do recently is to pause. Check in with G-d. Am I ok right now? It's a great question.

When I feel threatened by active addiction, I have to check in with G-d. I have to be honest with myself when I walk and talk with G-d. What is it that is bothering me? Am I afraid I won't be loved the way I want to be loved? Do I have resentment that he isn't working his program? Do I have resentment towards the lady on the street that is dressed inappropriately?

Next, I look at my wants. Am I making demands on my sexaholic spouse to behave differently? Do I give that inappropriately dressed woman a mean look, or even think about her in a negative way? Am I projecting my feelings onto my kids because I am not getting what I want? All that "wanting," if I can truly be honest, is selfish. Why is it selfish? It's selfish because I am making demands on others in order to get my needs met.

I have to pause every day. I have to bring Hashem into my life during these trying times. I have to be honest with myself. And most of all, look at what I have, rather than what I want. My wants might come from a natural place of wanting a healthy relationship. But it doesn't end there. Demands, anger, resentment, depression, and control are some of the things that happen to me due to the nature of being connected to an addict. So, if I use the tools of step work along with a healthy fellowship, and bring it to G-d, then I can get my sanity back.

I'll tell you what I do have. I have a husband who is a sexaholic but tries. He is kind, loving, and a good father whose focus is yiras shamayim. He does so much for the family. I never noticed all these things before because I was so focused on what I wanted and that nullified all the rest. Because my mindset now is different, I can see so much of what I have. I'm not focused on changing my husband’s behavior, and I'm not stuck in the mentality of obsessing about all the untznius girls on the streets. I do go there, don't get me wrong. BUT I don't stay there, I don't stay in the fear or the resentment. I process it with G-d. Then I'm able to have love for all these people. It's quite an amazing journey.

Through the tools of the program, my total outlook on life has changed. My mindset is different. When I change, the rest of the world around me changes, because I'm looking at the world with a different lens. That lens is the lens G-d gives me when I choose to walk with him.

Take a minute today and pause with G-d. See what direction that will lead you.

Much hatzlacha!