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I'm Not Attracted to My Wife

What do I do if I'm Not Attracted to My Wife?

GYE Corp. Sunday, 05 February 2012

Married 20+ years. Was never attracted to my wife from literally day one. I married her because she was easy to talk to, intelligent and kind-hearted. I was also a BT, and frankly felt pressured to get married. I'm still shocked that it was all over and done in eight dates. Especially since I never felt sure.

Hard to make this long story short, but the lack of attraction has never gone away. I find it hard to work on my addiction when I am not attracted to her. Sometimes I feel that the only way to get into bed is to first watch some shmutz. Do you have any advice?


Dear Jew,

This kind of question has come up many times in the past on our forum, and people who suffer from lust addiction are often struggling in this area. Our addiction warps the way we perceive the intimacy we have with our wives, and we often tell ourselves that if only she was more beautiful, we wouldn't have to "act-out".

See this page for the fallacy of this attitude.

Also, please read through this page, "Do I Like My Wife?" - and the links at the bottom, especially the link called "Currency of Marriage" from Dov.

Also, you can also learn some important things about the issue of "relations" with your wife from the following 5 links:

"The girls I see in the street are so much s-xier than my wife. How to feel real love for my own wife?"

"My husband blames me for his porn habit. He blames me for being overweight and unattractive."

"Is it halachically permitted to look at porn if your going to have relations that night anyway?"

"What if one's wife doesn't give herself over enough, won't a man search for it elsewhere?"

"My wife doesn't enjoy martial relations, what do i do?"

This may be a lot of reading, but I guarantee that if you read through all these links you will have a very different perspective on your wife - and on your intimate life with her.

There's also a thread on our forum here that deals with this issue, so you can see what so many other guys have to say about this...

I also suggest buying the book called "The Garden of Peace" By Rav Shalom Arush. It has transformed many marriages.

Good luck, and may G-d be with you!