Thursday, 11 May 2017

Are women safe in a sexual recovery group?

Question: Is there a danger in sending an SLAA women to a mixed group? Isn't it almost like holding an AA meeting in a bar? Many women aren't always fully ready to recover, it takes time, and during that time, aren't they in a lot of danger from other men that are in the group and that they know are sick like them?

To read a woman's perspective on this issue, see this article. Please beware: the link will take you to site outside of GYE network. While we vetted the site and found it to contain no objectionable imagery, the article itself may contain triggering information. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.

by Dov (See all authors)

Dov Responds:

One of the safer places for a female sexaholic is a sexaholics meeting because the men there are known entities - they are all essentially wearing a sign over their heads that says to the female member, "Hi. I'm a womanizer/stalker/worshiper of people like you. Sorry."

Now, certainly, if the woman is looking for guys to mess around with, things won't go well for either party. But based on things I have heard that go on in the real world, I'd give her worse chances of that happening at shul, actually.

The reason GYE guys ask this and are so surprised about the matter is perhaps related to the halocha of yichud. For normal guys, these halachos are sensible and keep things simple... But for sex-crazed guys (and gals) all it does is sexualize a situation in which he is alone with a woman or vice-versa. There's nothing sexual about being alone in a store with a woman... but the guy who has yichud on his mind and is hypersexual turns it into an emergency - and he doesn't realize that simultaneously he is sexualizing a non-sexual situation and making a mountain of a molehill. Same for tzniyus dressing - if the mind of the guy is one-track-minded, then it turns women and their bodies into potentially sexual things instead of just what they are: women and their bodies, that have a certain status and halocha. It creates a big problem where there is a little one and distorts halocha and avodas Hashem.

Since so many on GYE assume a girl/female is naturally a sexual problem for a guy, they harbor a fear that an SLAA/SA/SAA meeting with women in it will naturally be a risk to be followed up by acting-out in the parking lot.

Yes, danger is everywhere for those who want to find it. But growing up is all about seeing things in a different light, is what I am trying to say.

Makes any sense?