Would you want to be blind?

by GYE Member (See all authors)

I'm currently going through the beautiful and incredible GYE Handbook, and I really find it helpful. I read a bit of it every day or so.

At some point, I came to something very interesting in Tool n° 3. They write that if you're blind, then you don't lust.

Well, I'm blind, and I would like to share my experience with you.

What is very true about it is that I obviously get triggered on a visual basis. From what I understand from others, it's a HUGE present from Hashem. My eyes have never seen anything wrong, my heart has never desired anything because of "acharei eineichem."

But... This doesn't mean there is no struggle. Not at all.

True, I don't struggle with looks, pictures or porn, but then... All my potential is orientated toward the "rest" and "essential" part of the struggle. And it's a second-to-second awareness and battle, where I always need to be on guard, to watch every deed, every thought, to avoid some situations, some feelings, some contexts, some thoughts... I don't need to say more, you probably know what I mean.

I can't tell you if it's easier or harder for me than for sighted people, because I've never seen, and also because everyone is very different, especially in these fields.

One thing I'm sure of is that I'll never ever get merit by just closing my eyes for a second, or quickly looking elsewhere. I will never be able to pat myself on the back, as the Handbook suggests, and think: "Hey, you've looked away, well done", or "hey, you've decided not to watch this porn video for the next 10 seconds, well done", etc.

Also, you have so many ways to get round temptations, which I don't... I'm not complaining, I'm definitely not saying you're having it easier; I'm just pointing out that the same tools that contribute to falls can contribute to recovery. You can occupy your mind and get busy with other stuff in one second: do a jigsaw, draw, go for a walk in a place you don't know, read any Chizuk book you want, without having to order a special Braille version or to search for a digitized one...

Everyone here has their lots of Nissyonos and tools. Let us take nothing for granted, let us realise the depth of the struggle and the greatness of our tools.

Thanks everyone for all you do for me, whether directly or not. I'd never aim for what I'm aiming for without you all. The simple fact that people fight and overcome gives me so much strength and encouragement...

You're all so special and incredible.

Let's all go forward, on and on, iy''H...

Tizku leMitzvos