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What now?!

obormottel Tuesday, 17 May 2016

I've always had this weird thing in me... Whenever I would destroy something of value, I felt a high. When I was in highschool, I would secretly burn books and clothes of mine when I felt down. Nothing gave me a bigger high than taking a $20 and watching it burn, or breaking a window or school desk... I struggled with this for many years. Today I am married to a good husband, I have 4 children, live in a nice house with a car and a good job. I was sure this struggle was behind me.

But the last few weeks, I've been feeling down. Things haven't been going my way. My husband is away a lot on business, and my kids are in school much of the day. My job is boring, and I recently had a tooth extraction, and I'm feeling pain... I started to get these nagging feelings inside me again to destroy things and "lose myself" for a while. I kept trying to fight it, but one day when my husband was away and the kids were in school, I felt powerless. I craved the high, I just needed to feel something. I could not imagine any other way of getting rid of all the pain and apathy that I felt. I just needed to feel ALIVE again!

I started to swoon, and felt myself slipping into destroy mode... I felt myself get up off the chair I was sitting on and start knocking everything off the shelves in my house... Oh, that felt so good! I felt the rush, that chemical release in my brain... My heart was pumping fast, my palms felt sweaty... I grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting up all the clothes in my wardrobe, sighing with pleasure and losing myself in a frenzy of destruction. I then pulled as many toys and clothes of my children out of the house and dumped them into the garden. I set fire to the pile and started dancing and whooping in a frenzied high. Oh my, it felt so good! All my troubles disappeared. I was lost in a world of my own, drunk with the chemical rush I felt... Nothing could stop me now. I grabbed a burning dress from the pile in the garden and ran into my house, tossing it onto the mattress of my bedroom. The mattress quickly went up in flames and caught onto my husband's bed as well. I was in a state of ecstasy. I grabbed a hammer from my husband's tool box and started smashing everything in my reach, the windows of the house, the dishes in the kitchen, the glass doors to the garden. I ran outside and smashed the car windows and mirrors, and set fire to the seats in the back... Luckily, no neighbors were around. I danced and whooped and felt like my troubles had faded to a distance of a million miles away. I was in a state of sublime bliss... Oh, how it all felt so good. I hadn't felt so alive in years!

In a drunken stupor, I stumbled around outside, watching as the flames in my house caught onto everything... I finally fell down onto the cool grass and fell into a blissful sleep...

I was awoken by the sound of sirens. I was surrounded by police and fire trucks... I jumped up and suddenly remembered everything that I had just done. I felt the blood drain from head and my heart nearly stopped. I fell down onto the ground and started weeping uncontrollably. What had I just done? I had destroyed everything precious to me! My husband would never come back to me, my children would be taken away! I was left with nothing, no home, no place to go!

Yes, it had felt so good. Yes, I had succeeded in forgetting all my troubles for a while. But NOW WHAT???

We all know the moral of this parable...