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Uri Uri, Shir Dabeiri! - Awake Awake, Sing a Song! "Tapping in to the REAL US"

I want to bring some awesome posts from the diary of Uri in Jerusalem. There is so much we can learn about Teshuvah in Elul from this young boy.

GYE Corp. Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Part 2/3 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

Hashem or BUST!

I had a very long and difficult night.
I had a very long and difficult week.
I've been in a very bad emotional state and I'm not really sure how to get out of it.
Anything you guys want to suggest, I will have already tried. Thank you, though.
Last night I fell.
I had really really wanted to go for the 90 days this time.
I was inspired by Mom's (7Up) attainment of 90 days last week, and I had hoped to use that inspiration to do so myself as well.
I barely made it to 3 days.
But I took a shower, put on a fresh pair of clothes, grabbed my tefillin (first I had to look for them, I haven't seen them in a couple of days) and I headed out to the Kosel.
As I stood there wrapping my tefillin on my arm, I felt like such an idiot.
"Who the heck do I think I am?! I was just in a world of tumah and znus and wasted my life for enjoyment! What am I doing here?"
As that thought crossed my mind, I had a picture of Hashem pushing me away.
"Get out of here", He was saying, "I don't need you to daven to Me".
I was feeling pretty stupid when I remembered something that happened to me last week.
I came home from yeshiva exhausted and depressed.
My little 5 year old sister ran over, shrieking for a hug.
"Not right now. I'm so tired. I'll play with you later".
But to my surprise, she again reached for a hug.
I said, "not right now, my arms are full, and I'm really tired and not feeling well."
I was speaking gently but firmly.
But she kept persisting. "Uri, pick me up. Hold me". She was begging.
I was so moved that I put down my bags and reached down to pick her up and hugged her with all the love that I possessed. I couldn't stop kissing her.
This memory flashed through my mind as I stood there in my tefillin in front of the Wall, as the sun was beginning to rise.
And I said to Hashem, "Listen. I don't know if you want me to talk to you or not. You're probably sick of me by now, and You are trying to get me to go away. But no matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
And with that, I davened Shacharis.
I davened for all of us at GYE and I thought of a few specific strugglers that I know are having quite a painful and difficult time. And I cried.
And I thought of myself.
"Hashem, I just want to be good".
"I just want to learn without going crazy inside".
"I want to be able to daven without feeling this deep guilt".
"I want to be a holy home among klal yisrael".
"I want to have a pure marriage".
"I don't want this anymore".
And I cried.

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