I dragged myself to shul Friday night, after not having been or shul or having davened in around 4 days.
I went to a shul that I'm rarely at, in the hope of no one bothering me.
I sat in the corner and listened to sounds of Yedid Nefesh and I closed my eyes and tried somehow to connect to the beautiful song even though I was not in that place.
After a minute though, I started getting lost in the moving tune and in the words of longing for Hashem.
Tears started welling up when I felt an arm on my shoulder.
I looked up to see the Gabai standing over me. He's a family friend.
I knew what he wanted right away.
"No. I'm sorry, but I'd rather not daven this week".
He gave me a pleading look. I knew from times past that it's hard to find a chazzan in a shul such as this. It's mostly older Americans who are of the Young Israel type.
I finally nodded my consent. He smiled and walked off.
"What's going on here? G-d, do you fancy yourself a comedian? Out of all the possible weeks, why this one?! I haven't davened in almost a week. I am just 2 days after a crazy marathon of sin, and I am not feeling in the least inspired".
But I do take Kabbalos Shabbos pretty seriously. It used to be my favorite time of the whole week. And I believe that anyone who leads the Tzibbur has to really be sincere and in touch with Hashem and the moment.
So I dug deep down, looking for that part of me which I know is there somewhere, but is at times (especially now) really hard to find and connect to.
I took the tallis that the Gabai handed me and got up to the bimah.
I looked down at the siddur. Such beautiful words.
I opened my mouth "Lechu Neranena Lashem..."
I was off.
It was the most beautiful davening I have had in a long long time.
I have never seen a congregation get so into it.
Here we were, all joined together in the song of the Shabbos - that I thought I might never feel again.
I thought the shul would lift into the air and fly directly to shamayim as we sang the holy song of "Lecha Dodi".
By the time we got to Shema, I could swear I felt the walls shaking.
People were mamash yelling "SHEMA YISRAEL!"
It was gevaldig, my friends.
After davening, people were coming over to me left and right.
One guy told me that now he felt he could have a real shabbos.
I think they were exaggerating a bit, but I got the message.
Ok, so I've been down. I've been really down.
But there is a part of me that is connected to Hashem and will always be connected no matter what.
And if I can only learn to tap into that part, life will be a very different experience.
I never realized that I can bring up that part even when I'm not "feeling it".
That's one of the lessons I learned from this Friday night.
I had a very long and difficult night.
I had a very long and difficult week.
I've been in a very bad emotional state and I'm not really sure how to get out of it.
Anything you guys want to suggest, I will have already tried. Thank you, though.
Last night I fell.
I had really really wanted to go for the 90 days this time.
I was inspired by Mom's (7Up) attainment of 90 days last week, and I had hoped to use that inspiration to do so myself as well.
I barely made it to 3 days.
But I took a shower, put on a fresh pair of clothes, grabbed my tefillin (first I had to look for them, I haven't seen them in a couple of days) and I headed out to the Kosel.
As I stood there wrapping my tefillin on my arm, I felt like such an idiot.
"Who the heck do I think I am?! I was just in a world of tumah and znus and wasted my life for enjoyment! What am I doing here?"
As that thought crossed my mind, I had a picture of Hashem pushing me away.
"Get out of here", He was saying, "I don't need you to daven to Me".
I was feeling pretty stupid when I remembered something that happened to me last week.
I came home from yeshiva exhausted and depressed.
My little 5 year old sister ran over, shrieking for a hug.
"Not right now. I'm so tired. I'll play with you later".
But to my surprise, she again reached for a hug.
I said, "not right now, my arms are full, and I'm really tired and not feeling well."
I was speaking gently but firmly.
But she kept persisting. "Uri, pick me up. Hold me". She was begging.
I was so moved that I put down my bags and reached down to pick her up and hugged her with all the love that I possessed. I couldn't stop kissing her.
This memory flashed through my mind as I stood there in my tefillin in front of the Wall, as the sun was beginning to rise.
And I said to Hashem, "Listen. I don't know if you want me to talk to you or not. You're probably sick of me by now, and You are trying to get me to go away. But no matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
And with that, I davened Shacharis.
I davened for all of us at GYE and I thought of a few specific strugglers that I know are having quite a painful and difficult time. And I cried.
And I thought of myself.
"Hashem, I just want to be good".
"I just want to learn without going crazy inside".
"I want to be able to daven without feeling this deep guilt".
"I want to be a holy home among klal yisrael".
"I want to have a pure marriage".
"I don't want this anymore".
And I cried.
Dear Uri, I'm crying as I write this. I read your thread and tears of pain and pride are trickling down my cheek right now. If only you knew how special you are!
To be honest, I'm not sure why you feel Hashem has abandoned you again. Didn't you just have a Kabbalas Shabbos in shamayim itself? Didn't you get to daven at the Kosel? Didn't you get to open your heart to the only one who can really hear its pain? Just because he didn't answer immediately doesn't mean He didn't listen. Only a child demands and expects immediate gratification. And Uri, you are no longer a child. You need to learn acceptance and patience; both for yourself and for others. But MOSTLY, for yourself....
Hasn't Hashem sent you His most precious messengers to hold your hand through these great tests? Are GYE members anything less than human angels? My dear Uri, what are you expecting exactly; that the kisei hakavod itself come down and plonk itself in your living room? OPEN YOUR EYES; Hashem's hugs are there. He loves you; We love you. Now all we need is for YOU to love YOU!!!!!!!!
Holy Uri, you outdid yourself this time. What you said to Hashem by the Kosel is by far the greatest and most powerful form of Teshuva and Teffila! The Gemarah says that the king Menasheh was such a terrible rashah that he really couldn't do Teshuva anymore according to the normal rules. But when he did teshuva ANYWAY, Hashem "dug a tunnel" for him to return through. In other words, this kind of attitude - that "I don't care about anything; I want Hashem or BUST", has the power to create a new reality that didn't exist before.
In fact, R' Tzadok (Tzdkas Hatzadik 46) says that this is the avodah of our generation (the last one before Moshiach). He says that this is the deeper meaning of what Chazal say, that in the last generation "Chutzpa Yasgi - Brazenness will increase"- that even when Hashem pushes us away, we still insist on coming close. That is THE way to bring Moshiach, and it's thoroughly amazing to see it happening in such a perfect way!!!
Dearest Uri, all those guys that are learning their heads off in Yeshiva getting ready for Rosh Hashonah, they're great - Hashem loves them - they're doing wonderful things, and kol hakovod to them. But it's people like YOU that Moshiach has been waiting for. PEOPLE WHO FIND HASHEM IN THE DARKEST OF THE DARK; PEOPLE WHO AFTER BEING ROBBED OF ALL THEIR KEDUSHA AND THROWN IN TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF TUMAH UNTIL THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEMSELVES TO PUT ON TEFILIN, THEY JUST WON'T GIVE UP! THEY JUST WON'T BUDGE! AND THEY SAY: "No matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
Uri, I'm so full of awe and emotion, that I can't even think straight anymore....