The squirrel, the girl, and the cup of honey
This morning, as I was driving to work, cars zipping by me, a furry little squirrel streaked in front of my car. I gasped, but it was instantaneous. Looking in horror in my mirror, I saw its crushed body, saw it lift its head confusedly and fall limply back down. My heart screamed in terror and withered and twisted in the awfulness. I just killed a beautiful living being. I JUST KILLED IT. The sick feeling intensified in my stomach and I remained shaken as I pulled into the school parking lot. “Why? Why? Why did G-d cause this to happen? What is He trying to tell me?” The insight eluded me.
Fast-forward six hours. Returning from the local grocery store, I was hyper and deliriously happy, joking and laughing with my bestie. My friend asked me to stop at her sister's-in-law house to drop something off. “Sure!” I waited in the car outside, still savoring the afterglow of our jokes and good energy. A few minutes later, she ran back to the car smiling, holding two pink sorbet cups in her hands. I laughed, opened the door, and she climbed in. Then I shifted the car into drive and the car lurched forward. Suddenly, an inhumane shriek split the air. In a matter of seconds, a small girl had run in front of my car, her sister screamed - and the girl stumbled backwards into the bushes, narrowly missing my front bumper. I jumped out of the car. The little girl was a few feet away on the grass, wrapped in her mother’s arms. “I am so sorry! Are you ok??” the panicked words tore out of my throat. Her voice was unnaturally loud: “It's ok, she’s ok”, she waved me away, and still in shock, I lept back to my car and drove away, hand on my heart, gasping for air. My heart beat frantically.
“Julie*!” I breathed. “It's not normal! Twice in one day! I can’t drive anymore!”
“It's not your fault, she ran in front of the car!” Julie tried to reassure me, but I was so shaken. “What is G-d trying to tell me... again?!”
Now, I think I understand. Immorality brings death and destruction to the world. It is compared to a hungry fire that consumes and destroys. I had been acting immorally. I was lusting, filled with craving and desire. Looking at inappropriate materials. Fantasizing about inappropriate encounters. I was taking my troubles and woes, and instead of turning to G-d, the Source of all life, turning to the destructive force of immorality for comfort, for a sense of security. I killed that squirrel - long before my car crushed its spine. With my actions, I was bringing destructive fire into the world. I was comforted by the thought that this is only in my room, and I’m not hurting anyone else, I was ripping out a gaping hole in the fabric of G-d's world, allowing a torrent of destructive force to come surging in. I was not just viewing porn in my room, but opening a chasm for the negative ripples to spread to my family, friends, animals, plants, flowers - the entire world! Wreaking destruction in it’s wake. G-d was trying to show me - what you do matters. Be careful, you are bringing death and destruction to My world.
Later on, I headed to my bathroom for a long soothing shower before bed. The cup was still there on the white tiled floor. Last night, I had spotted a big red ant traipsing happily across the floor, and I quickly put my green washing cup over it, trapping it. Cautiously, I lifted the cup, and the ant was still there. I watched as it slowly started walking, stretching his tiny legs. I couldn’t bring myself to squash it, so I went upstairs, filled a cup with a dollop of honey and put it on its side, near the red ant. I then stood on the toilet seat to watch. It didn’t go into the cup, I think it sensed a trap. But what about instinct? It must have smelled the honey, and I was sure that it would eventually run into it. I watched it for a while, and then left, my mind churning. The cup of honey is like immorality. It tastes insanely good in the moment, but it is a trap of death. It takes me away from real life, from G-dly service, from my soul - from the truest part of me.
I want to dive into that cup of honey with every fiber of my being, but I will not. I will have to stop, because yes, it is so damn addicting. I believe that I have INCREDIBLE gifts, and I’m learning how to channel my huge amount of sexual energy into worthwhile projects and endeavors that enrich and bring life to the world instead of taking it away.