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The problem was with my connection

GYE Corp. Friday, 27 April 2012

Most Yidden go through life content with doing the Mitzvos in the same way that they were taught as kids, never developing a deeper connection with their spirituality. However, this struggle often forces us to realize that without a true connection to our ideals, even the "frumest" Yid can easily stumble in the worst sins. This forces us to explore our spirituality in a new light.

Someone struggling with this issue once wrote:

I realized that I am deficient in my spiritual life after listening to a tape by R' Ezriel Tauber on this exact issue. I realized that doing what I was taught and imitating everyone else to fit into my lifestyle, was not helping me fight my yetzer hora. I heard this shiur from Rabbi Tauber just as I was beginning to explore options other then internet pornography (i.e. taking it worse levels).

It was only because I was literally throwing away my wife, kids, job and social life if I got caught, that I didn't proceed. But I then realized there was nothing in ruchnius or hashem that was stopping me from doing the worst aveiros, so when Rabbi Tauber was saying that "the world has so much to offer, and unless one recognizes the importance of his individual avodah he stands no chance in fighting his yetzer hora" it really hit home. Also, a sentence in this story also hit home where he writes "However, real Ruchniyus is individual, not the result of doing what you're told but rather the result of a real connection with Hashem."

As the author of this recovery story once wrote to me as well:

Learning Torah is supposed to banish the yetzer horah. When I first began struggling with pornography, I'd try to learn and hoped that it would work the way it's supposed to. Imagine my surprise when sitting in front of a Gemara became the best place to fantasize! Not only could I indulge, but I could look good doing it! I realized later that the problem wasn't with learning, it was with my connection to it. The learning didn't mean very much to me then because it wasn't consistent with my state of mind.

Therapy helped me identify and react to my own feelings, to do what's right for me at the time. The more a person does this, the more in sync they'll be. And then when they learn, they'll feel it. It gets to you. Eventually, you'll develop your own personal path in Avodas Hashem.

Putting the ideals that we were taught about Hashem and Judaism into practice on a day to day basis, is an intellectual exercise until you make it part of your emotional state of mind. Once you do, you'll make it part of your daily routine in a way that works for you. It will be automatic, because you'll "need" it. You'll figure it out on your own.

I'm not saying it's easy or quick, or that I'm holding there myself. But it's the path I'm on and hope to continue on.