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The Answer to My Prayers

GYE Corp. Tuesday, 24 January 2012

We all know the old joke about the guy on the roof that drowned in a flood, and complained in heaven that G-d didn't personally save him when he prayed, and G-d answered - "What do you want from Me? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter...!"

I prayed and prayed for help, for a solution, for guidance to get out of drowning in lust. I didn't even know it was called a Lust Addiction. I never would have imagined that I fit the definition of a Sexaholic. My life was out of control and I couldn't help myself, I didn't know where to turn. All I had left was tefillah, which was its own train wreck. But I must have had at least ONE good tefillah or at least sincere remorse, cuz Hashem answered me. He answered me by sending me to GYE, and ESPECIALLY to Duvid Chaim's Group Call. Its NOT a coincidence that happened to come my way. IT'S THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS. It's what I have been waiting for all these years.

But how do I treat this answer? I must grab it like a lifeline. I should be paying attention, focusing on the mussar and chizuk messages and reading along, internalizing my feelings and asking questions, responding to points, sharing my thoughts and "Awe & Wonder" moments, and bask in the peace that there are others like me who understand and go through the same internal battles I do; just knowing I'm not alone in this, that I'm NORMAL.

My Yezer Hara knows he'll be finished if I succeed with this program, so he's gonna work OVERTIME to save his skin, and throw roadblocks at me every chance he gets. First it's the appointments that keep wanting to schedule themselves davka at noon, the Call Hour. Then he'll entice me to look at my emails to g-chat on the side, to get distracted during the call so I only listen with half an ear. "I could always catch up on the reading later" I say to myself. But then the precious moments of inspiration are lost, I miss a critical comment or revelation by a shipmate or by the Captain, a personal interlude of camaraderie between the guys, and the Yezer Hara jumps out and says "oh, too bad, what's the point if you cant catch everything? Just give this up..."

But this is what I asked for, what I prayed for! I will NOT give up!! I will NOT lose my faith in the promise of recovery just cuz I'm not there yet! It took me YEARS to get to this point, I certainly can't expect myself to change overnight! I must be patient, and give myself the time it takes to grow and change through Duvid Chaim's careful guidance, and through the 12 Steps.

It took me 52 years to get to this point. The program is at most 13 weeks long, 4 days a week, for one hour a day. THAT'S 52 HOURS!! One hour per year of my life! Now if someone told me he could guarantee me a solution to a major problem in my life for one hour a year, OF COURSE I would jump in and stick to it. And those 52 hours vs. my entire future, well, it's a great investment.

So I'm gonna be as careful as I can not to miss, to be there on time or call in as soon as possible each day, and once I'm on, I'm gonna treat it like time in the Beis Medrash and turn off the cell phone and emails. How could I treat this Gift from HKB"H with a laze-faire casualness?

Plus, we have an amazing crew, I am in awe just listening to them, sharing and beginning to open up to each other. These are guys I can trust with my feelings and questions, with my soul. And I have so much to learn from all of them. I look forward to each hour with them so much!