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Surrendering the Right to Act-Out

GYE Corp. Tuesday, 03 January 2012

I'm so grateful to Hashem, SA, GYE, and all the support. I realized today that I need to surrender more. I read in the White Book that part of surrender is surrendering the right to act out. Another big Yesod of SA is that the recovery and surrender has to be against lust. I realized that even though I have gone a far way in getting a sponsor and joining SA, that was only a partial surrender. I'm not masturbating and falling, by SA definition. But I'm still holding on to lust. I'm not admitting that I have no right to lust. I need to surrender that.

If all of the Roshei Yeshiva are screaming about the dangers of unfiltered computers (and even filtered ones, unless needed for parnassa), and I'm an addict that's gotten into trouble with one, so what am I doing playing around on it? And why am I dangling certain images in my mind and not right away davening to Hashem to take them away? It's because I'm not really surrendering them.

The fact is, that Hashem is waiting there to get me through this. His team is the winning team. But in order to participate, I have to surrender any lust rights I feel entitled to. And surrendering means not blaming the outside environment. After all, Hashem created it all. There's no way He created me to fail. Obviously the best way for me to grow is in these circumstances. I've got to really accept that without any 'buts'.

Today I made the sure that the back room with the computer that I was fooling around with was locked, and got rid of the key. I've got to show I mean it. And the only time I really should be going on the computer at all is to check my gmail (which I need for work) and maybe GYE. If I'm really serious about it, then that's what I've got to do. Hashem's waiting there. It's my job to really believe that this is what I have to do and surrender. Once I do that and turn to Him, the real healing and miracles can start.