Leaving Planet Lust
Your story reminds me of my own as well as so many others here on GYE. It's scary how easy it is to get hooked and how difficult it is to extricate yourself later. But if you learn one thing only here, know that it is possible to break free. You do not have to be a slave to lust. This was a huge revelation for me since I convinced myself that my actions were "normal". That popular culture was simply more in tune with my reality, and that if a radio sex therapist said masturbation was part of life, that was probably true, and seforim that said otherwise were simply out of touch. Of course, she also said that affairs were part of life too... but I chose to disagree with that because luckily I didn't have any, so in THAT area I could be "frum". Little did I realize it was all rationalization. If I'd had an affair, it would have immediately become "normal" too. My actions dictated my values... instead of the reverse!
Although breaking free is possible, it's not easy and it takes time. Unfortunately, our brains have been wired for lust as a result of many years of training. It isn't easy to erase those pathways and see the world correctly. But with work and time, it will gradually improve.
In my experience, one of the most significant side effects of this addiction is that you live in an alternate reality and not in the "real world". Your actions may be real but your emotions are disconnected from them. In your mind, you're somewhere else, on Planet Lust. The goal of recovery is to re-connect your mind and your body. To bring your mind back from its endless and pointless lust-soaked fantasies so that it's focused on whatever you're ACTUALLY doing.