I'm sorry you feel that way.
My life (of well over four decades) has been surrounded by sickness, death, hospitals, disease, pain, therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, jail, anguish, danger, and more, and by this I am including parents and grandparents (young ones), spouse, children, siblings, teachers, and students, and I am not referring to flues, chicken pox, and speeding tickets.
And yes, all of my wonderful life I chose to ignore this and escape by the only means I knew how, and that was thru the wonderful world of lust, and boy was I good at that.
And when I began to recover, I would recoil when people spoke about God and higher power and stuff like that, for I had no idea who they were referencing. Mind you, I am a shomer torah u'mitzvos par excellence. It's not that I didn't believe in God; I just didn't know Him. And I still don't. I struggle with good and bad and Hashem's will and all, but I block that all out, for the most part.
I made lousy decisions in my life, and I needed to fix them. I went to therapists and specialists and sponsors and 12-Step meetings. It was my resolve that I messed up and I need to climb out of it. Was there Divine help? I don't care. Do I feel more of a connection now that I'm sober for over three years? At times.
But if I choose to think too much, I could get angry and end up acting out, so therefore, I don't.
Recovery is just too precious. I am finally living a life, although there is so much pain around me. The pain sucks, but I need to live, and I can only do that thru sobriety.
Godspeed to all.