Tuesday, 02 May 2017

What’s Your Excuse?!

by Duvid Chaim (See all authors)

Everyone admired Sam. Especially his family. Of course, his mom considered him the “apple of her eye.” And his father bragged so much about Sam that even his brothers got jealous. His wife adored him and felt like she was the luckiest woman alive to score such a good catch! Sam had four kids and each one tried their utmost to get their father’s attention. It really didn’t matter where Sam went, whether it was in the coffee shop or the boardroom, everyone liked to be around him. And admired him for his leadership capabilities and his generous and thoughtful nature.

In spite of all this attention and admiration, Sam seemed to be a pretty humble guy. He wasn’t so flashy and it didn’t matter to him if he had the latest model BMW. Sam had a pretty good income and was on track to excel in the company he had been working for the past 11 years. Sam – as it seemed to fit his personality was in sales. So his income would go up and down, but he made sure to set money aside for the down times.

His wife never kept track of Sam’s income or the money in the checking or savings account. She trusted Sam and never had a check that bounced or a credit card transaction that was turned down. His wife occasionally noticed that Sam kept a lot of cash in his wallet. And couldn’t understand why it seemed to dwindle down during the week. She just thought that it was easier for Sam to use cash for taxis and meals with his clients. She never confronted Sam about this mystery because he was so trustworthy. She also got used to the fact that many evenings when he came home late, Sam would run to the shower and go to bed.

But Sam knew the real story. He knew the truth behind his strange behaviors. He actually didn’t like it. And he really had no idea why he couldn’t stop nor that there was a solution. You see…Sam was a sexaholic. Those trips out of town and the sudden drain on his cash were serving his habit. He spent a lot of time and a lot of money on his disease. And Sam was full of guilt and remorse. Sam was stuck in a corner. He couldn’t see a way out. So he did what most of us do just like mischievous children…HE MADE EXCUSES for his acting out.

What’s worse is that with most of these excuses, he didn’t make to his wife, but rather he made them to himself! He had no other way to justify his behavior. And it didn’t take long before Sam started believing his ownvexcuses. He told himself excuses like:

 What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her! She doesn’t seem to like sex anyhow.

 It’s just a little thing! It relaxes me!

 It’s normal for a healthy red-blooded male to have this sex drive!

 It’s too embarrassing to seek help. I can figure this out on my own!

 Just one more time and then I’ll stop!

Sam felt invigorated by his little secrets, like a real man and he found an escape that made him feel in control of his life again – besides there were no side effects like booze or smoking. Yes, Sam thought he had it all figured out. But the longer he ignored his problems, the more excuses he needed to make. And soon, he realized that these excuses were REALLY LIES!

Sam called me after one of those all night binges. He finally recognized that he was totally out of control – and worse that he was out of touch with his wife, his family and with his life. Sam enrolled in the 2b1 Institute for Life Coaching and Personal Development. We began work right away on his addiction and the underlying real reasons for his acting out. And I showed Sam how to see thru the lies and into the truths.

Through the Coaching, he discovered that his sexaholic behavior is not only toxic but also how his disease wants him to stay in the dark and in isolation. I helped Sam understand that his thrill was actually an artificial high. And I taught him a New Design for Living with real applicable tools to deal with the two primary emotions in life – Resentments and Fear. For the first time, Sam allowed himself to explore his emotions rather than escape them thru his acting out behaviors.

Healing came to Sam relatively quickly. He really was a good man and wanted back to the life he dreamed of. It wasn’t easy, but he had overcome challenges before and knew that if he made a solid commitment to recovery, he could find freedom from his disease.

Today Sam is out of the darkness and into the light. Sam asked me to share his story with others, hoping to inspire them (you) to reach out for professional help- to know that there is a way out of this disease. And that it’s time to STOP THE EXCUSES – to stop the lies – and to realize as we learn in our Ashrei that “Hashem is close to all who call upon Him- to all who call upon Him IN TRUTH!"

We share Sam’s story as we are writing a Monthly Series about lust and internet addiction. In upcoming articles, you will learn a lot more about this dis-ease. We will share more stories about real husbands and wives, and how you will learn about the cause and effect cycle that leads to all addictive behaviors. The research and methods we present are based on the well-known 12 Step Program for Addictions, the Art and Science of Personal Development and Motivation utilizing the latest insights from the fields of neuro-psychology and enriched by the enlightening Wisdom of our Sages. Please know that this disease does not discriminate whether you are young or old, traditional or modern, whether you wear a kippa or a sheitel... or not! This Lust Addiction is truly a “Silent Killer.” It can exist in your midst and you may not even know it.