Weakening the Power of Secrecy (Safely)
A nice fellow in a recovery group shared that he felt worried he would lose his anonymity by guys in the group figuring out who he was. (Isn't that what it's all about, though... finally letting somebody learn who we really are?) Obviously his name, social standing, etc. need to be kept secret for any recovery program to continue, of course. (Just look in AA's 12&12 for the 11th and 12th traditions to understand why.) So here was Dov's response to him:
Re safety in the group: Please remember that you owe the group no sacrifices. Each one of us is hopefully here for his own need. Trying to save his own life. And you are here for yourself. Paradoxically, this is a selfish program, they say. Selfishly learning how to mostly care about being useful to others, and how to care a bit more about doing G-ds Will than doing our own will. So, "im ein anee mee lee? v'im anee (only) l'atzmee moh anee?" They are both true even though they seem to be a stiroh.
Ours is an uphill climb after so many years of controlling-'things'-to-make-them-'go right', self-medicating when they don't, etc. Basically the only way we know, is our way! But really - what does Hashem or us or anyone else expect? It's probably no fault of our own, too...but no matter how you slice it, we are still the only ones who can do anything about it! Only we can surrender and do the work; only we can let Hashem in. So, "im ein anee mee lee? - no one."
Is this your golden opportunity to start weakening the power of shame, isolation and 'secrecy' in your life? For you to get your secret life into the open and learn the power of openness and surrender? Exactly what scenario would be safe enough for you? Figure it out and do it, man! So, "im lo achshov eimosai?" I am just asking, not telling.
I'm not pushing you do say anything to this group, but I wish for you to find the right milieu and use it ASAP, that's all.