I try to keep in mind that all the tricks, advice, pesukim and chizuk are "tools" and half-measures. They help, but only partially. My hope and wish for people, is that they do not unnecessarily delay the real solution. The only "full measure" that works for me is learning how to lean on Hashem in trust.
But really doing that, requires much more than religiosity. Even Mesiras Nefesh is often not enough for the long-term, because it can be guilt or fear-driven.
I was like a scared rabbit before the Yetzer Hara for years! Hashem does not want a "nation of scared rabbits", he wants a nation of Kohanim, as it says "And you shall be for me a Mamleches Kohanim and a holy nation". (The Kabbalistic texts explain that Kohanim represent "givers" and "leaders" - from the chesed side)!
The solution that really seems to help people get free of this mess, is a much easier and more natural connection with Hashem. But this has a big price. It requires honesty, acceptance of the truth about myself, and it leads to sanity.
Derech eretz Kodmah le'Torah. Perek 1-5 of Pirkei Avos come before Perek 6 on Torah.
These basics of sanity though, are often bought with considerable pain, as we tend fight against them for some reason - some of us to the last man, and some of us until we are just sick and tired ("hitting bottom")... But once sanity started to get its little foot in the door of my mind, the Torah and Mitzvos slowly started to function correctly as well (that took time, and is for another topic.) The intensity and frequency of the tests reduced, and I started to lead a single, not a double, life.
And today, I sincerely believe that this is the most important thing Hashem wants for me, rather than being real frum and yet completely unable to maintain a shred of integrity and self-respect at the same time.
I try very hard to be honest and accept the truth about myself. But I don't know what it is?!! I don't know if my self assessment is accurate, or if I'm taking this too far or not far enough. How do you figure this out?
Thanks for sharing the lessons you've learned the hard way... Hopefully it will help us avoid some of the same mistakes.
You are probably doing fine for now, you just aren't aware of it. But here is my two cents:
I found that writing my whole acting-out history; writing the fourth step as AA (the four columns) recommends, and doing the other steps with a sponsor and with friends (through the fellowship), has led me - and continues to lead me (I hope!), to gaining honesty and living honestly.
I suggest davening a few times a day:
to be led only on the right path;
to be protected from lying and from falsehood in general;
to be protected from accepting counterfeit happiness (lust, hollywood, approval from others, etc.) instead of the real thing;
for Hashem to show us what the real thing is;
and for honesty.
And be aware that the very best Hashem will probably give us, is just a little bit more honesty that we already have. It seems to me, that if He gave it all to us in one "birthday present", we wouldn't be able to handle it! Or more likely, we wouldn't know what to do with it.
I hope that helped!
P.S. Remember, this journey is the big game - it's the only real game in town. And it is really, really precious, and so, it takes time. Lots of time...
- Dov