Training the Good Muscles
"Yiddle" wrote on the forum:
"Hashem: I am talking directly to you. Please, I sit here with tears nearly streaming down my cheeks. Please give me the power and the will I lack to overcome this. Please allow me to live. Please take away the source of the pain. I want to break free of this more than anything in the world. Bli neder, I will not use my computer for a month. I can use other people's computers for no longer than 15 minutes at a time, and no more than 30 minutes a day. I am also making a plan to get rid of my laptop for good. I don't need it. I just make excuses to have it."
Yiddle, I love you so much! You are pouring out your heart here and saying words that I have cried over, too, and still cry over them. I want to be close to Hashem, instead of to Lust. I want to be His, not Lust's. I want to be free of lust today more than anything in the world - no question!
Please consider the positive side, too. You speak to Him of "not doing this or that, limiting something, etc." The entire solution includes lots of positives - the positives is where we gain the condolence that we need to remain free of the schmutz! To be OK without it! The positive for me, is talking to Hashem calmly and humbly a few times a day, before and after davening for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, a minute, whatever, and before I leave my house in the morning, go to work, leave my work, come home, etc. When I do anything that in the past may have led to getting distracted by lust, I talk to Him and ask Him calmly to just help me do this right.
It seems clear that you recognize that the connection you need will not be supplied for you by the schmutz and acting-out behaviors any more. True. That is over, whether you like it or not, I believe (feeling a little terror here is quite normal, by the way...)
But we are not G-d. Only He is One and Alone! We, however, need to be plugged into something greater than ourselves, something we worship, a Higher Power. That is how we are made!
But then where will it come from? Answer: You need to create it - it will not happen by itself. I do not need just "tahara" (i.e. not sinning)! Stopping there will assure my failure. I need to start growing in kedusha and d'veikus! The "freedom from sin" part is a gift! But the connection with Hashem? That I have to fight for!
Not because He makes me fight for it for some cruel reason, nor because I need to "deserve it", chas vesholom. No way! It's a gift I will never deserve! Rather, it's simply because I spent years and years connecting to my lust instead of to Him and to people in a healthy way, whenever I felt empty. See, besides just an addiction it is a trained reaction - so I need to start training the good muscles, with His help.
I hope this is chizuk to you, my friend.