Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Recovery in Action - a Miracle.

by Dov (See all authors)

Someone who is clean for 5 months wrote on the forum:

"I'M GOING NUTS!!! I wish all these nisyonos would stop already.

I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at least a year. I'm really getting worried.

My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her time bringing our children to different doctors appointments.

Now she's in the hospital for hopefully no more than another day or two, but worst-case-scenerio could be six weeks.

I might as well add: I did teshuva and pretty much lost the rest of my family--they all stayed behind. Can barely relate to them anymore. It's been like that since at least 15 years ago.

My learning hopes and aspirations have totally fallen apart.

I don't want to hide these feelings. I don't want to pretend like I made it to 90 days and, presto, suddenly became a superhuman or angel or something.

I don't feel like acting out, but I feel totally crushed. Paralyzed.

Right now my children just came home. They are playing downstairs, and I am ignoring them upstairs to write this. I've been running around like crazy all morning taking care of different things. Pretty soon I'll log out, go downstairs and make lunch, and spend the rest of the day taking care of them."

Dov replies:

Apparently, nisyonos always do stop at some point, but they will be replaced by other ones that may (or may not) be easier in many respects... We just have to grow, I guess.

We just need to all do the best we can under the circumstances - and see the good in that. If I don't, I'll end up acting out c"v, and that may actually kill me. The things that I wish - no matter how objectively "good" they are - just can't be allowed to take front row any more emotionally... that's recovery in action. A real miracle. Otherwise, the next step for me will be trying to "fix it all up" using my magic (lust) toolbox... it has only one tool in it, and it's a, ummm, errr... let's just call it "fantasy".

As far as not being able to relate anymore to your family (I assume by "family" you mean your parent(s) and siblings) after becoming a baal Teshuvah, Youch, that hurts. In recovery, I have discovered that I can maintain my mental and spiritual distance from these people while relating to them more and more. Your serenity will fill you and protect you. Just don't give it up for their sake - or for anybody's! Looking down on others in any way, does just that to me, and soon I start to slip.

You have come a very long way and Hashem is helping you in spades. Please consider using this pain. By working my 4th-9th steps from within the pains of life I have found freedom and growth, and lots of nechama in hard times. Countless others have, as well. Keep up the good work. You are worth it, and so are your wife and kiddies.

You may not be perfect at anything, may not be the talmid chochom you wish, may not have the money for the comfort and normalcy you want for your family yet, and may not be as happy a person right now as you wish you'd be, but at the very least, you are trying to be a responsible person and a decent father and faithful husband. I believe that your kids will forgive you for all the insufficiencies you have. Every child needs a decent, loving father and every wife needs a decent, loving husband - like you are. Not a great, wise, nor wealthy one.

Gevalt! We all hope that things get easier quickly for you and yours!