Love Kills Lust
I daven for her to be spared the pain and suffering of illness, car-accidents, and violence; of seeing her children go off to jail, death, or a life of evil; and I daven for her to come to know Hashem and be protected from disappointment of liars and men who might use her cruelly and not really care for her. That is a horrible, powerless and demeaning fate I wish on no one. I also daven for her to have Hashem's help to come know the simple pleasure of being aware that there is a G-d in charge of the world and that everything will turn out alright (meaning: the way He wills it) no matter what. I believe that is something Hashem invites all his creations to attain, pious, Jewish, or not. It's like air or water, I guess.
After davening like that for her, I find I cannot lust after her... and should the lust come back later, I just daven for that type of stuff for her again. The purpose is to come to appreciate her true Humanity and that - irrespective of whether she realizes it or not - she is not and never will be an object, but is person with a real life, hopes, family, a past, a future, etc.
I also believe that love kills lust. Loving all people, animals, plants, etc., is a simple and obvious part of Torah in my understanding, for it is Like Hashem - Yismach Hashem b'maasov - he is mishtaasheyah b'maaseh b'reishis and all the creations are his 'baby'. As Adam - man, it is also all our gift. The Mesilas Yeshorim points out that we are at the center of the balance - that means the world and everything in it is our 'baby'. L'ovdo u'leshomroh obviously means to care about it - to me that means to love it. This may not be a drasha in the letters (the black fire), but it is certainly the 'white fire' itself of the entire background. Ahava like this is freedom from lust, for me.
Being at peace with everyone and everything around me is basic to sobriety, as far as I see it. It is the fruit of steps 4-9, for me. Once I start to compete with anyone else or become blind to our true relationship, it's over for me. If I cannot genuinely care about any other person, I lose a bit of my humanity. It where the opening for competition, resentment, hatred, and lust begin. It is also ultimately the end of my sobriety.