Thursday, 01 December 2011

It's a Fight for Survival, Nothing Else.

by Dov (See all authors)

The business of seeing my struggle as all focused on becoming the kind of person who would never have a strong desire to act out again, has nothing - and I mean nothing to do with recovery. Granted, a person who takes his recovery seriously will eventually be mostly free of lust. But the goal for me is not to become a kodosh. It is simply to not act out. To not use lust. Becoming a kodosh is a very nice - and likely - side-effect of long-term sobriety. But survival as a healthy and useful human being is by far the main object. At least, for me.

And there are two huge drawbacks to keeping kedusha in our sights as our goal (at least for me):

1- My root problem was never that I lacked kedusha - it certainly was result of my acting out, but not the problem itself. My problem was that I was nuts and addicted. Adding kedusha was never, ever the solution - it only made my problem worse - like trying to put a wood-fire out with lots of newspaper, or maybe even with gasoline.

2- Judging that my problem is a kedusha/lack of kedusha problem is actually a way to save face, It's my pride. It allows me to view myself as 'fighting the good fight'... Really there is no glamor in the struggle for sobriety; it is a fight for survival, to have a real life rather than a living lie... a living death. Fooling myself that my struggle is for 'kedusha' perverts reality and makes it impossible to actually improve because I view the simple, inglorious work I really need to do as beneath my dignity.

#2 is perhaps one of the most important things I had to accept, and I believe that the pride that makes some folks vilify (or at least avoid) the 12-Step program is one of the most common reasons that so many end up as road kill.