I needed support, humility & directions
Someone wrote on the forum:
I have just realized that there's no such thing as quitting cold turkey. This thing is much too powerful for that. There will never be a one time decision that can carry within itself enough force to go against this. It seems to me that all that we can do is to continue to nurse a small spark of will and sanity. We don't fight, we just try not to give up on a ratzon pnimi to be clean. This is similar to the story of the Stiepler with the coat on Shabbos in Siberia (the soldier before him had placed the coat on a tree, and the Steipler kept pushing off taking it off the tree to wear for another minute, then another, until his shift was over).
I agree with you 100% that there is no such thing as quitting cold turkey if I am alone. It's actually impossible. What has changed from one minute to the next? Nothing. Just my willpower, "commitment", or inspiration? None of those matter at all when the obsession strikes.
Nonetheless, I have not had to masturbate so far, from the day I agreed that my lust insanity was going to kill me if I keep pursuing it at all.
I also realized that I had no reason to believe I could control myself for very longeven with that awareness. So I got help. I went to a shrink and she sent me to SA. I went into the meeting and I shamelessly asked for help, cuz I couldn't possibly stop - even though I knew I had to. I needed a lot of support, some humility, and I needed to follow some directions. But I have remained sober so far with Hashem's help.
I had struggles with some lust behaviors over the years on and off, but the battle lines were drawn way back, and I called out for help again, admitting the truth to all my friends and in meetings. For the past few years it has been much easier to not give lust the time of day. It is becoming more and more irrelevant. (Still, I really believe that it is a bit silly for me to actually believe I will be sober for another week. It's just crazy that a guy like me could remain sober at all!)
But having unreasonable goals and no proven plan for how to achieve them, is a poor recipe indeed.