Fear Takes the Place of Serving Hashem
Today I noticed that one of the weak links that the Yetzer Hara uses with me, is when he gives me thoughts to be frightened about. "You know, you're not going to be able to make ends meet this month" or, "Did you get everything done for the lawyer?"
I live in fear mode. A lot. And I'm the central player in my own drama. And I'm thinking about what I can do to solve the thing I'm worrying about.
I know this is a common experience. For me, I noticed that I am almost always in obsessive frightened and worry mode. And acting-out was the only thing that gave me relief from that baseline fear. Now by acting out, I don't just mean the shmutz. I also mean being angry at loved ones, while spending endless hours worrying.
So I was reading an AA book about fear, and how it takes the place of serving Hashem. So this constant fear is what I have to say "no" to, and turn it over to Hashem. Over and over.
For today, when I can catch the fear state, Be"H, I will try to remember that I need to drop baseline fear like a hot potato, as human as it may be. I need to stop dead in my tracks, and turn to Hashem. I know the difference between fear that's about something real (a kid is hurt, for example), and fear that claims it's my best friend (after all, I get up in the morning with it, spend all day with it, and go to bed with it.)
Clean today. Thanks Hashem. I appreciate it. I really, really do.