Despair Was My Entrance Fee
When I came to recovery, it was after many years of hiding and running and desperate lust behaviors that were getting progressively deplorable, embarrassing and out of control. Thank G-d I found what I needed and latched onto it to save my life. Only now, years later, do my wife and I really appreciate how my life was truly in the balance back then.
The program I work is made for people who have lost. For folks like me, who were beaten. I was sure that it was basically hopeless and I'd just get worse, get caught over and over and lose all I had in this life eventually. There was no end in sight. I thank Hashem every day that my despair - actually the most sensible perception based on my track record - was the very entrance fee to finally getting better. It is quite a surprise every day that I have a new life and can be useful, a good frum yid, a decent and loving husband and father, and keep a normal job. Actually it is amazing.
But it is a long, unending road that begins with living right today. And that begins with living right this minute. Not concerning myself with tomorrow's sobriety or success is a requirement. I am in Hashem's hands right now, and I use Him and my friends to stay in the game.
It has been thirteen years sober in recovery and my wife and I cannot imagine a better life. And it all started from me admitting that I was in the toilet. "Ein hadavar talui elle bi," as Rav Elazar ben Durdaya put it - it all has to start with me doing the next right thing and depending on my G-d to make it all right.
Someone asks Dov:
Dov, how do you consider yourself a loser? I don't know how that’s possible, actually.
Let me ask you plainly:
If you were surrounded by a bunch of big, strong bullies, getting the stuffing beaten out of you - and along came your karate teacher and beat them all up and saved you - would you look down at the bodies and say, "I won"?
That's an addict in recovery.