Davening After a Fall
To someone who wrote about his intense teffilos after a fall, Dov writes:
The davening being more intense I see as a part of my sickness after using lust. Not c"v to imply at all that davening with unusually much kavonoh is a bad thing in any way. It's just that in the context of a 'fall', fervent davening - as you wrote - often takes the place (in our psyche) of some kind of 'makeup game'. And there is no making up, no escape from the facts of what we did and what we do, no games. We need to be clean now - nothing in the past is really relevant to true recovery but how we are right now. (Except with respect to admitting our powerlessness based upon our track record). That we will get better 'tomorrow' or 'in the future' has been our most common nechoma - a bad nechoma that becomes an excuse. There is nothing awesome we can do today that will prove somehow that we are really great. If we do sick stuff, we are sick! No matter what other awesome and Holy stuff we also do.