Curiosity or Lust?
My life as a lust addict: I spent three hours on my computer typing every obscenity in just "to see" if I can bypass the filter. I actually was able to bypass it in the end and access porn. It was as if I needed to know that I could access it. At that point I just went to sleep. Does this make sense?
It's not always lust, it seems. I see it as curiosity . I know what it feels like - from the inside, my friend. It feels like "If I can't check it out I'm gonna die!".... "No," you say? Then try just not checking the filter the next three times that you want to. Just don't, and see how it feels. If you are like me, then you'll say to yourself, "Of course I don't need to look; I just want to.". The next thing you know, the desire comes back again and if you are lucky, you'll say to yourself something like: "Well, if it's really no big deal, then why is it such a big deal for me not to just take this peek?! Why do I keep on trying to get that look!?". I had one of those moments on a train, regarding the legs of the lady sitting in the aisle next to mine - giving the perusal up, based on the fact that I saw it was purely lust and not really curiosity and asking Hashem to take it from me.... That was a watershed sobriety moment for me... I doubt I'll ever forget that ma'ayseh. That's when I admitted to myself that I was in fact in some deep trouble and need some strong medicine. Medicine like real honesty and openness.