Counting Days Can Backfire for Real Addicts
Might you be pitted against a greater foe than you estimate? One day clean, then three days clean, then one day.... What is happening here? Is it all about racking the days up? Is it a game? I honestly believe that a game is what many folks make it... and strangely, that method may work just fine for them and I have no criticism for them at all.But: is it working for you ?
All my crying, klopping al cheit and wishing I'd succeed does not make me really serious about this 'battle'. Taking it seriously does. And sincerity alone, has never won any battles. I needed real help and to take real measures to start really getting better "inside". Till then, nothing of any real consequence happened. Nothing but ping-pong.... and regarding ping-pong:
A string of clean days once in a while is very nice, but this business of counting the days can sometimes be one of the strongest weapons that tayva/lust addiction/the YH/self-defeating behavior (or whatever you wish to call it) has against you. I believe that the one thing that some of us can do to practically assure that we will fail again and just shlep along till we get really messed up, is to count the days clean. We are just letting the pressure build up without making any true inner change.
I am not posting this to you because it sounds good, nor just because it makes sense to me...but only because I have experienced it myself. Counting seems to be helpful for some people - yet total poison for others.
It starts with one ... and it ends with one .
The days we stay clean do not really 'add up'. They are over as soon as it is the next day. I have never seen a pile of days anywhere? Have you? As the sefer Gesher Hachayim tells us (and as Hashem tells us in the Sh'ma when He says, "Hayom" a few times), our time here is made of one thing: now . The past is over and the future hasn't happened to us yet. So there is no such thing as "being clean for two days," at all. It is just a fantasy.... and fantasy is apparently not your friend, nor is it mine.
It does seem to help other folks, but we need to look at what we are doing and admit if it works, or not, for us.