Dear Chaver!
It sounds like the two of you communicate quite a lot, sharing some feelings, and the bitter comments saying "she feels I ignore her", or that she is "exceedingly angry with me that I do this, or don't do that," that she lets you know she feels depressed, etc - is all very precious. That's poshut. But ironically, it is she who seems to actually be (based on your story) more open to sharing her feelings with you - and also earlier - than you are prone to share your feelings with her - or with anybody.
If that is so, I can certainly relate! And I ask you: Why does that have to be? It does not need to stay that way. Here's why:
You are working steps 1 and 2 and opening up to other recovering guys about your insides now more and more boruch Hashem - so....start to use that in the rest of your life, too, b'ezras Hashem. OK, so probably communication and especially opening up about your (often goofy) feelings has not always worked in the past - especially with her! No wonder our typical delay...often leading to never actually sharing them, at all (hence our refrain of: "why rock the boat now that we are 'getting along'?") It may have felt like opening up to her backfired...but then, in recovery, you started sharing your insides. You started practicing doing that earlier, too, using other (safer) people. Your wife may not like that too much. But you can explain to her that you are not 'hiding' from her. Quite the contrary - it is training that you need to eventually open up *to her* naturally, in the right way. Most of us communicate - or *want *to..but we say it the wrong way and at the wrong time *for her*. We dump our emotions and pain on our spouses. It's really rather cruel. We sincerely expect (demand?) that she be available to talk things over - while she is having a bad day or busy with the kids, etc... Gevalt. On our time. We are literally speaking the wrong language to her, then! Besides being selfish, we may already be sounding to her like we are squarely blaming her (gets her angry or sad), or like crazy people (that scares her), perhaps bringing proof to her already insecure heart that "this relationship is not working". An it is not at all what we were trying to accomplish, was it? We end up feeling disillusioned, then WE are resentful at her! It backfires.
Maybe I am off the mark with you - but that does happen to many of us marrieds, especially if we are also addicts, especially if we are in *good* recovery, especially early on in the first few years of learning 'how to fly'... (if we are in 'bad' recovery or not in recovery at all, then we hardly even notice that any of this is even occurring!).
But that's the past. This is now. You can use your program, and you have your program buddies to use. They can hear you without getting emotionally involved. Opening up to them will train you in how to use your relationship with your wife for 'release of tension' without the mistake of imagining that you expect her approval and affection (or sex) or any personal emotional reaction at all! In other words, without taking her as an 'emotional hostage'. Without dumping on her in a way and time that hurts both of you worse in the process. When we are hurting, it is important to behave as the separate people we are: "he/she has his/her issues, and I have mine - *they are not 'shared' "*. That way, she can support - without getting dragged down into your mess, and vice versa.
It may sound cold, like * less *of a relationship - but that is a lie, just plain wrong. It IS closeness - safety to hear and support instead of feel blamed or emotionally vomited on. Afterward, we have the option of reconnecting again...that's normal marriage for me. A marriage that WORKS. And the program relationships are the training ground for success in marriage - cuz we buddies *know* that we are not really 'attached' and invested!
Always a *learning *process, the really precious things are. (hey, Yoda would say it that way, no?)
Love,
Dov