Thursday, 29 December 2011

Because I am an Addict

by Dov (See all authors)

The "why" might still be a mystery to me, but although I have walked away from juicy situations a few times, the basic and inescapable fact for me is that I have a pattern and it spirals downward. Nothing I have done has arrested it. Looking at my case in a clear way, reminds me how ridiculous it is for me to expect that "I'll do better now - with the knowledge I have gained here, or there..." The steamroller will eventually come by and my butt will be vegetation again....

I belabor this point because the nuance of the 1st step written and shared, is that it brings some people to the conclusion that there is no evidence that they will ever "get better". Even given more time and more effort. For me - I'm not speaking for you - the idea that "I should have not abused my sexuality so much," might not be as relevant as the fact that it was done, "again and again". When I ask myself "how is it possible that I could do that?," or, "what's wrong with me that I feel I gotta have/do that?" The answer I am comfortable giving myself eventually became, "because I am an addict, and that is what addicts do." In fact, it is the most valuable response. I ask myself, "Nu, then why did I do it again and again? - How?" and the deep stuff is nice, but never got me free. Accepting the fact that I lost against lust allows me to finally really get dependent on G-d for a change - it changes the playing field so I get out of His way.