Yesterday, while I was on Youtube, I noticed a feature that hadn't struck me before. Every video that you've ever viewed is underlined in red. I was so completely shocked to see how much time I had wasted. I felt like I was wasting my life away and the darkness started to swallow me. I heard the addiction voice screaming in my head how all my work in recovery was for nothing - that I had just transferred my addiction from porn and masturbation to video viewing. And even that video viewing, although not porn, was not material I would be proud of announcing that I'd seen. I also knew that when I watch stuff that is fine for other people, my mind goes to crazy places - I can not view videos without lusting. I finally admitted that I was doing something that I did not want to do, that it was ruining my life just as much as porn and masturbation had in the past.
So when I got on the women's call last night, I shared all that and I just started crying. I felt so broken. I was completely vulnerable. And then, as I shared and heard supportive words from other women who'd been there, I felt courage that I had not had before and I became willing to take action.
This morning, first thing at work, I blocked youtube.
I'm in withdrawal today but I'm reaching out to others, praying, and trying to keep the right perspective.
I feel fantastic that I have made so much progress, BH; thanks to you and the fellowship, of course. I would never have believed 8 years ago that I could change so completely.