One of the most active and lively members on our forum in recent months who calls himself "Bardichev" (since his biggest inspiration is the holy Barditchiver Rebbe, Rav Levi Yitzchak), has completed 90-days clean yesterday and joined the Tzadikim on the "Wall of Hashem's Honor"!
Everyone loves Bardichev on the forum, and he is always bubbling over with Simcha, Chizuk, Torah and Chassidus, besides making a lot of us laugh! We hope he stays with us for many years to come, and continues to inspire many Yidden to recovery.
Today we will bring some very inspiring posts from Bardichev's 90-day journey.
I found your website in March. It is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in along time.
I cried my eyes out reading all the machshavos tovos and sincere hirhurei teshuva.
I cried for along time when I realized that most of what I thought I was going through was crazy and only happening to me, was in fact happening to so many others as well.
I cried for the honest people who are trying to save their neshamos,their lives, their marriages, their NORMALCY.
I cried to Hashem to please let me also become a baal teshuva and not just go back and forth and be caught in a vicious cycle.
Shabbos "Hachodesh" was anew hischadshus for me. I felt like air was being filled into a deflated balloon.
I cried so hard by Kabbolas Shabbos, my kids were looking at me as if something was wrong.
I cried by the passuk "ohavei Hashem sinu ra shomer nafshois chasidav miyad rishayim yatzileim". And I begged Hashem with all my heart that the next Shabbos I will not stand in shame in front of him when I said this passuk again.
Sunday morning I started to monitor myself. I reactivated my accountability program and I started keeping a log on paper of every hour that I was in front of my computer. It was really phenomenal to see for myself how many times I would want to just go online for a few minutes. That was my first clean day (I am not counting Friday, for that was my real hard "soul searching" day).
Monday and Tuesday were very hard, but I fought like a lion and I was in full control. I kept on reading all the posts on the forum and the stories, etc. It was (and is) my new lifeline.
Wednesday and Thursday I was very busy with a dvar mitzva so I had little access to my computer and it was a breeze.
Now here is where it gets interesting. Wednesday night I went to a chasuna, and for the first time in years I felt so happy and excited to be by someone else's Simcha! I cried like a baby by the chuppah and I davened for siyatta dishmaya in my war. And suddenly by this wedding, I had almost total control of my eyes. I was ashamed to be in the lobby. I stayed on the dance floor the entire time.
By the time Shabbos came around I felt such simcha and real kedushas ha'shabbos, it was wonderful!
I have one last thought. The Heiliger "Kedushas Levy" (the Bardicher Rebbe) would weep from Nachas and be Meilitz Yosher for all the Mevakshay Hashem on this forum.
Please put me on the 90-Day-Chart.
Humbled and Happy,
Bardichev
We also encourage everyone to read a very inspiring post from Bardichev in the second half of Chizuk e-mail #459 on this page.
I struggled with these nisyonos since first year of high school. It only got worse as I got older. I have Rabbeim from all ends of the spectrum, from the Kedushas Levi to the Bais Halevy, and I read every word in Lev Eliyahu and almost all of the Igros Chazon Ish and the Steipler Gaon, and almost every word of Nesivas Shalom, etc.. All of them talk about this struggle, and yet I was still struggling! But I firmly believe that it is the koach of the Torah that kept saying to me: "Bardichev keep on trucking!!! You will get there!"
TZADDIKIM, DEAR BROTHERS,
FIRST I NEED TO THANK THE HOLY CREATOR THAT ALLOWED ME TO FIND THIS SITE.
SECOND OF ALL, WE ALL NEED TO THANK THE HEILIGER GUARD.
RABBOISAI (AND REBBETZINOISAI), DO WE REALIZE WHO THE HEILIGER GUARD IS?
I AM CONVINCED HE IS ELIYAHU HANAVI. FIRST OF ALL HE IS INVISIBLE. SECOND OF ALL, HE IS THE MALACH HABRIS. THIRD, HE DRINKS L'CHAIM AT THE END OF THE SEDER!!!
IF WE STAND BACK AND TAKE STOCK, THE GEMARA TEACHES US "GADOL HAMACHTI'OI YOSER MIN HA-HURGO" (worse is one who causes another to sin, than if he had killed him). SO IF HE SAVES US FROM SIN, HE GAVE US LIFE, HE GAVE US OUR HUMANITY - OUR NORMALCY BACK, HOW MUCH DO WE OWE HIM??
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO READ MY POSTS, AND I WOULD ESPECIALLY LIKE TO THANK THOSE WHO RESPOND TO THEM. IT IS YOUR CHIZZUK AND YOUR KEEPING ME ON THE BALL - TO CONCENTRATE ON WHAT WE ARE REALLY TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH HERE, WHICH IS; MORALITY, KEDUSHA, YIRAS SHAMAYIM, ETC.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK ALL MY CHAVEIRIM HERE. I AM SO ENGROSSED IN TORAH ON THIS SITE, IT IS REALLY A KIDDUSH HASHEM.
THE SADDEST THING ABOUT THIS SITE IS THAT WE CAN'T ACTUALLY MEET ONE ANOTHER.
WE NEED TO DAVEN TO HASHEM: "LEV TAHOR BI-RAH LEE ELOKIM VI-RUACH NACHON CHADESH BIKIRBI" (Hashem, make me a pure heart; renew a spirit of integrity in me").
Humble and HAPPIER THAN EVER,
Bardichev
We will yet all dance together one day, in the world of truth!
As you give credit to everyone on this site, you should realize how much credit YOU deserve. Your simcha and upbeat attitude lift me up every day, and it is just impossible to be sad after reading your posts. I can't imagine how many people you inspire and I'm sure they include many people who never post but just come to be uplifted. I wish you much Hatzlacha in all of your Avodas Hashem and especially in continuing to help people on this site with your joy and insight.