In continuation of our story, Yerachmiel meets with the Rosh Yeshiva in his office that afternoon, to drink Lechayim and celebrate the victory they experienced that day over Lust.
The sense of victory and fulfillment were evident on Yerachmiel's face, but I noticed that in spite of this, something seemed to be bothering him. "Yerachmiel", I said to him, "I know you already well enough to sense your feelings, and the look in your eyes tells me that in spite of today's impressive victory there's something that still bothers you. Do you want to share it with me?"
He smiled sheepishly and said: "I can't hide anything from the Rosh yeshiva. It's true, there's something that I think about often, especially lately, and it bothers me a lot - but I have no idea why."
"That's why I'm here, Yerachmiel", I answered, "even though you are so busy with the Otzar Ha'sefarim lately, that soon I'll need to make an appointment with you before we can meet", I joked.
"I know and I feel that I've made great progress since our first talk, and today I'm in a different place altogether than where I was then", said Yerachmiel. "In one of our first talks, I asked the Rosh yeshiva if other Bochurim also have thoughts like these, and the Rosh Yeshiva told me that almost all Bochurim have fantasies about girls, and that it's natural. But what is difficult for me to understand and accept is, why is it so hard for me to cope with Lust, while I'm sure without any doubt that most of the other Bochurim in Yeshiva, even if they do have fantasies from time to time, don't have these powerful struggles like I do with Lust. Why does this happen particularly to me?"
"The question you asked now, touches on the very heart of understanding what Lust is and how it works", I told him, "and the fact that this bothers you specifically now, is yet another proof of your impressive progress. It shows you are mature enough to seek a deeper understanding of yourself - which wasn't possible when the lust used to burn inside you and require immediate gratification.
"And so, what indeed is Lust, and how exactly does it work? I don't know if you paid attention, but you were very specific in the way you expressed your question. You didn't ask me why you are tested sexually more than others, but rather why it is so difficult for you to cope with Lust.
"Let's think for a moment; what is the difference between a sexual drive and Lust. Let's start with the sexual drive, which is easier to understand. This drive is a strong need to engage in sexual relations of any form. It's a physical and existential need of man, by virtue of the fact that he is human. It's similar to many other physical needs like eating and sleeping, which a man, both as an individual and as part of mankind as a whole, could not exist without. This is apparently simple, and self-understood.
"But if this drive was only a physical-existential need to engage in sexual relations, all people should have the same sexual drive more or less. And the same goes for eating; if eating was only a physical need to keep us alive, all people should have more or less the same appetite for food. But it's not that way. The reality is, that the tests and drives of one person are not the same as the tests and drives of another. Why is this? Why is food an insatiable temptation for some people, while for others, a minimal amount of simple food is enough to satisfy them? And why do you for example, have much stronger tests in sexual areas than others have?
"Maybe", Yerachmiel ventured, "food and sex are really just physical and existential needs, but some people simply have bigger appetites naturally, while others are happy with little?"
"If this were true", I replied, "we would see that the same people that had strong sexual drives would also be particularly predisposed to eating lots of good food, and people who had less cravings for food would also have weaker sexual drives. But the reality shows that this is not so. There are some people with strong cravings for food, and others that have stronger sexual drives.
"What we can learn from this, is that each particular drive - whether it's for sex, food, or anything else - must have an additional component that needs to be taken into account. Besides the simple physical nature of lusting for sex or food, there is an additional layer, which is deeper and more connected to the subconscious. Heightened sexual desire or uncontrollable cravings for food, are actually symptoms of a deep subconscious need, that for some reason, has still not reached fulfillment. This lack of contentment creates a kind of void inside us, something like a subconscious vacuum, which Lust immediately fills. This is then actualized in our conscious mind, through a powerful sexual drive that feels out of control.
"What we can learn from this in a practical sense, is that if we seek to understand the deep subconscious void that exists inside us and we learn to channel these powerful inner strengths in a positive and constructive manner, then automatically the lust - along with the sexual drive, will be significantly lessened".
"So the Rosh Yeshiva is saying that, as opposed to other Bochurim in Yeshiva, there exists a subconscious void inside me that hasn't been filled for some reason or another, and because of this, I suffer from stronger sexual drives than everyone else, did I understand correctly?" asked Yerachmiel.
"You are getting close", I answered, "but it's even deeper than that"...
In continuation of our story, Yerachmiel in the midst of a discussion with the Rosh Yeshiva, trying to understand why he has trouble coping with lust more than other boys do. The Rosh yeshiva continues...
"You surely know what our sages have said, Yerachmiel: 'Whoever is greater than his friend, his Yetzer is greater as well' (Sukka 52a). If you think about it though, common sense dictates that the opposite should be the case. After all, one who is greater than his friend ought to have an easier time dealing with his desires. But Chaza"l say that the exact opposite is true. So with your permission, Yerachmiel, in order to understand Chaza"l's words better, I would like to take you as an example".
"Me?" Yerachmiel's eyes widened in surprise.
"Yes", I continued, my dear Yerachmiel, inside you lies a great and lofty soul that is destined to brighten the world with a light that is unique only to you. All that this soul desires is to surge forth through you, outwards into the world. For some reason though, it is blocked and can't succeed in being expressed yet properly. But because of its great strength, your soul can't stay corked up inside you for even a short amount of time; it must burst forth, and it looks for an alternative way to find expression. In you, it finds expression in the uncontrollable sexual drive that you experience. In other words; the strong sexual drive that you feel, is a physical expression of the power of your soul's character that is locked up inside you".
"I wish!", said Yerachmiel with a bitter smile. "Judging by the sexual urges I feel, I must have unlimited inner strengths".
"Yes, Yerachmiel, that's exactly what I mean", I said. "Now we can also understand better the words of Chaza"l: 'Whoever is greater than his friend, his Yetzer is greater as well'. The greater a person is, the more his soul's strengths require expression. And if the strengths of his character do not succeed - for what ever reason - to find expression in a constructive and positive way, they are forced to erupt forth in an negative way.
Yerachmiel was quiet for a moment and then spoke, weighing each word: "So in actuality, what Chaza"l are saying is that the Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hara are really the same inner force, and when we say the Yetzer Tov won - we really mean that our character's strengths succeeded in expressing themselves in a constructive and positive way. And when we say that the Yetzer Hara won, we mean that our inner strengths didn't find a positive way of expression, and that is why they chose a negative way out".
"Wonderful, Yerachmiel", I said, impressed. "I couldn't have expressed it better myself".
To be continued...
In continuation of our story, Yerachmiel in the midst of a discussion with the Rosh Yeshiva, trying to understand why he has trouble coping with lust more than other boys do. The Rosh yeshiva continues...
"Another example comes to mind: 'water'. There are many similarities between our natural strengths and water. Like water, our inner strengths can't stand still for even a moment. When there's a blocked pipe, water will immediately seek a crack or a weak place to burst forth to the outside. And the stronger the water pressure is, the stronger the water will gush forth - exactly like when our individual strengths feel blocked - they burst outwards through Lust.
"Now you can also understand why lust attacks you mainly when you are sad or depressed. When you feel closed up inside yourself, your inner strengths feel blocked and the only way they can burst out is through an uncontrollable sexual drive. But this is not the case when you are feeling happy and connected to the world around you, because then, your many good inner strengths and qualities find expression in a positive way and they don't need to find alternative outlets".
"That is so true", smiled Yerachmiel. "From when I started to manage the Otzer Hasefarim and became more involved in the goings-on in Yeshiva, the drive became significantly weaker."
"Today", he added, his face full of expression, "my eyes have been opened to understand the battles going on inside me in a totally different light than I used to view them. This helps me accept my difficulties in dealing with lust on a daily basis and understand it better. But I still didn't receive a complete answer from the Rav to my original question: Why do I, particularly, have such a difficult time coping with my sexual drives, while I see that other bochurim don't have it so hard? Why do my inner strengths find expression by experiencing an endless sexual drive, while others struggle with totally different tests, like cravings for food, money or anything else?"
My heart overflowed with love for this young Bochur. I put my hand on his shoulder and said to him with a bright countenance: "That's a wonderful point you bring up, Yerachmiel. I thought I wouldn't have to get into that and I hoped you would be satisfied with what we said until now; but I keep discovering anew what a deep thinker you are. No idea can pass you by until you understand it till the end!"
"The truth is, there is another factor that we haven't spoken about yet and it needs to be brought into the equation as well, at that is - each person's particular character traits. As you surely know, every person has a unique nature and character. For example, there are those who get angry easily and others that almost never get angry. There are dominant people and others who just 'go with the flow'. Some people are very outgoing, while others are more introverted, and so on and so forth. Our inner strengths find expression - whether positive or negative - through our character traits".
"Perhaps this is most noticeable when choosing a job. One person chooses to be a doctor, another a lawyer - and so on. This doesn't mean that one person has more strengths than another, only that his nature is more suited to the specific job he chooses. Outgoing people will want to be more involved with society and will choose a job that reflects that, while more introverted people will choose a job that requires less human interaction. The character traits that are common to people with strong sexual drives are, like you have; for example, high creativity, endless love for people, spiritual sensitivity, and so on".
"So I hope it is clearer now why your particular character strengths find expression through a strong sexual drive. And by the way, sexual lust doesn't express itself the same way with everyone. One person's sexual preferences may be completely different than another's. It's actually sometimes possible to size up a person's personality andpsychological makeup based on his sexual preferences".
"Now I feel that I finally got a complete answer to my question", said Yerachmiel, "and it's also clear that if I can channel my inner strengths in a positive and constructive way, the powerful sexual drive that I suffer from so much will become noticeably weaker. But again I have a question. How do I do this in a practical way?"
To be continued...
"So how can I put this into practice? How do I assure that my inner strengths find expression in a positive and constructive way?"
"A wonderful question, as usual. And like always, I would like to bring a parable to try and answer the question: A sick man arrives at the emergency room in a life-threatening state with symptoms of chest pain and shortness of breath and his situation is deteriorating by the minute. The best doctors gather around him immediately, and decide he is suffering a heart attack. They perform a catheterization, and on the heels of that procedure they roll him in for emergency bypass surgery. The surgery is a success, and after a period of recovery the patient is ready to be released from the hospital - but not before he gets detailed guidance from his doctors on anything that could be dangerous to his condition, as well as instructions on how to ensure healthy blood pressure, which medicines to take every day, and how to lead a healthy life style from now on - including prevention of stress, a regimen of exercise and a fat-free diet.
"Why do you think it was so important for the doctors to give the patient such detailed guidance on how to live? After all, they already dealt with the disease and he's being released already from the hospital?"
"Well, obviously", said Yerachmiel, surprised even by the question, "they want to make sure it doesn't happen again".
"Right", I replied. "In other words, you're basically claiming that had he been more careful to lead a healthier life style in the first place, and he would have found ways to release and prevent the build up of pressure inside his body, his disease could have very well been prevented in the first place. Correct?"
"For sure", answered Yerachmiel, "everyone knows that a stressful and unhealthy lifestyle are from the top causes of heart disease."
"Exactly", I agreed. "This means that a heart attack is not the reason for his disease, but rather a painful end result to having lived a misguided life style over time!"
"For sure", he replied.
"Now", I continued, "let's see how this parable can help us understand better the phenomenon of Lust. Uncontrollable sexual drive is similar to a heart attack. In this case too, if we don't stabilize the condition of the patient, he won't survive even in the short term. And even once his condition is stabilized, he needs a quick and comprehensive treatment, otherwise he won't be able to survive in the long term either. But then, when he finally begins to feel a lot better - to the point that he might even mistakenly think that he has been completely healed and has put it all behind him - precisely then, he must learn that he needs to change his life style completely around, and that he can never rest on his laurels.
"Back when we first started our talks, you were in a situation where the most critical thing was to stabilize your condition, because without that it would have been impossible to make any progress. Now that you are starting to feel a lot better with yourself, this is the time to deepen your self-awareness and start recognizing the many unique inner strengths that you possess. With proper guidance and much prayer and help from above, you will be able to channel the strengths you have in a positive and constructive manner, and return once again to a path of fulfillment and inner peace. For example, like you said yourself how managing the Otzar Hasefarim helps you a lot in coping with the lust".
Part 1: Heightened sexual desire is actually a symptom of a deep subconscious need, that for some reason has still not reached fulfillment.
Part 2: The Yetzer Tov and Yetzer Hara are really the same inner force. The greater a person is, the more his soul's strengths require expression, and they will find expression in either a positive or a negative way.
Part 3: People with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a strong sexual drive (if these strengths are not channeled in the proper way).
Part 4: When dealing with addiction, it is vital to first stabilize the situation. Only afterwards, is it possible to deepen one's self-awareness and begin to recognize the unique inner strengths that he possesses. Once he understands better his inner qualities and strengths, he can learn to channel them in a positive and constructive manner through proper guidance, prayer and help from above.